Begin.

I was recently sitting, scrolling through my timeline on Twitter before bed. A fellow mommy/pregnancy anonymous account that I follow tweeted saying, "I feel like my life will begin when I have my baby."

Wow.

What a thing to think about? You spend so much time just pregnant. Incubating this tiny human being that will one day come out of with and continue to astound you for the rest of your life. 40 weeks. That's 10 freaking months of this little beings life literally connected to you. You are one. 

And suddenly, there's a breath and then a baby. That first cry changes everything. I want to thank that anon account for that tweet. She brought back that memory for me in a rush. As I've said before, I struggle with my memory on a daily basis. It is very difficult for me to recall things from my memory and I lose a lot of time because of it. I wrote out my birth story the other day so I didn't miss any of that. But my brain kept parts from me.

The most important parts.

That last push and out she came, kicking and screaming into existence. 

In that moment, my heart began a journey that my body could never again contain.

She was this beautiful, little girl. I was speechless. Tears pouring down my face and all I could do was stare. Even as the doctor helped me pass the placenta and stitched me back together, I just kept watching her across the room getting cleaned up and checked out. No words could ever explain those emotions. My heart simply leapt across the room before my very eyes and became this wonderful, perfect little person. Totally separate from me but at the same time so deeply connected. 

per·ma·nent /ˈpərmənənt/ : 

adjective

Lasting or intended to last or remain unchanged indefinitely.

I don't think it's possible to comprehend what that word really means until you give birth to your first child. All those months watching her grow and knowing she is part of you, none of it matters until she's there. 

My life began with the birth of my child and I am forever grateful.

Whoops.

So the last month and a half, we've been working on remodeling the bathroom in our house to make it accessible for A. The house is old so it requires a pretty fair amount of work. To start, the door was too narrow so we had to cut a new one into the wall so he could even get into the bathroom. Then we decided to add a roll in shower for him so he can shower on his own, safely. That involved commandeering the closet from the nursery, knocking out a wall, and closing it off. There was also cabinets in the bathroom that kept A from being able to get to the toilet, had to take those out. Doing that meant that 3 layers of flooring needed removed to get everything level. My bathroom has been partially demolished for almost two months and until it's done I can't finish the nursery here. 

Suffice to say, this has been driving me absolutely NUTS.  We are already almost 2k into purchasing things for the bathroom and the labor was supposed to be free. A's step brother said he would take care of it for us. Well A's step brother is chain smoking, abusive stay at home dad. The way he talks to his kids and disrespects everything makes me want to choke him. So I have this psycho working on my bathroom and yelling at his kids all the time. 

We also have a guy downstairs living with us who doesn't contribute ANYTHING and only rarely picks up after himself. There will be bags of trash in the kitchen and instead of taking it out, he will just continue to walk right by it. I hate that. If you see a mess and you have a chance, clean it up! Plus if I have him shovel the ramp and walk way, I have to double check to make sure it's done right or he won't think about A needing it cleared and won't do it. Inconvenient right? Look at me complaining like an asshole. 

So back to the bathroom, we are finally starting to make some progress which I'm really happy about but now A's step brother is starting to say we need to pay him for labor and he needs to bring a friend who will also be paid because he can't do it on his own. Which is exactly the opposite of what he maintained before. So I'm pissed off, again. I'm not working right now so seeing A have to spend money when he thought he wouldn't have to really makes me mad because it's just HIS money that HE works for and I'm not contributing. 

So the last few weeks I've been complaining up a storm about how inconvenient it is that I have to go downstairs to use the bathroom and take a shower. Complaining about how the trash smells and I wish the stupid roommate would stop being useless. Complaining about how long it's taking the bathroom to get finished. Complaining, complaining, complaining. 

A finally had enough. We got in a huge fight last night and I don't think I've felt as crappy as I did last night in a very long time. A sits there listening to me complain about things that I wouldn't be bitching about at all if he wasn't in a wheelchair. I'm such a pessimistic person by nature and I don't even realize how good I have it. Complaining about have to walk down a flight of steps to take a shower? A doesn't have that option, can't walk. It's been a month since he has had an actual shower. Complaining that the ramp needs shoveled and the trash needs taken out? He wouldn't need a ramp if he could walk and he could take the trash out to the street himself if he wasn't in a chair. There's so many things I've been complaining about lately that neither of us have control over. In my head, because A is so independent, I kind of forgot about the chair. Just because I did, doesn't mean A did though. I feel so horrible that for the last few weeks on an almost daily basis, I am slapping him in the face over and over again about things he can't do. It's not his fault. He's making the best of what he was given. So all those tweets from the last few weeks bitching? Yeah, I want to retract those. A has been working so hard to take care of me and the baby and pay the bills and do everything I want or need and I've been blind. He's probably the most forgiving man I know and I am very blessed to have him.

If any of you see me complaining about stupid things again, please don't be afraid to check me and remind me that I've got it easy in comparison to so many other people I know. 

I've got to go change a diaper blow out now, have a nice day. :)

Better.

I don't do this often enough. This whole blogging thing. It's been a little difficult lately to have time to do so, I'll admit that. What with moving into a new house, maintaining a relationship, the holidays, oh yeah! And I had a baby! Yep, you heard it first. Errr...last actually. I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl on October 23, 2012 at 10:47 am.

Now, if you're a guy I would advise you to stop reading here unless you would like to read the gritty details of my birth story. I want to make sure I have every gross detail down so I don't forget.

October 21st, 2012 7:00pm - Laying on the couch watching TV with A, all of a sudden, "I think I just peed a little bit.

7:02 pm - Sitting at the kitchen table. "Yep, I think I just ruined this chair. I'm going to go get a shower now." My water had officially broken at this point. I spent the rest of the night alternately watching TV and laying down. Contractions were irregular at best and not very intense. I tried to sleep but didn't get much rest with all of the anxiety of giving birth soon.

October 22nd, 2012 10:00am - "Woke up" and picked up the house a little bit. Ate, bounced on a ball for awhile (thank you Sarah), walked A LOT. All to no avail as my contractions never really picked up in intensity and would only get 5 minutes apart as long as I was moving. Spent the whole day doing these activities and taking naps to try and get labor going.

6:00pm - Went to the park and tried to do some walking, got through one lap and A decided it was time to go to the hospital.

6:40pm - Pit stop at McDonalds. Man, those French fry cravings killed me through the third trimester. 

7:00pm - Getting checked into the hospital. They got me into a birthing room, I got a gown on and we got jiggy with it. Just kidding! I got started on IV fluids and antibiotics because my water had broken a full 24 hours ago at this point. They strapped a heart rate and contraction monitor on me and left me to my devices. After calling my mom to let her know I was checked into the hospital, I tried to sleep.

8:00pm - Started discussing with the nurses my disinterest in using any sort of drugs to get labor moving. They called my doctor and she gave me until morning before they said they would have to induce me if I wasn't making progress.

9:00pm - My mom showed up with books and other oddities to keep me entertained. She was all aflutter with excitement for her first grandbaby.

9:02pm - My mom started telling me to hurry up and get her first grandbaby out.

10:00pm - Nurse came in to check me and I still hadn't dilated very much. I was getting barely half an inch every two hours. Yikes! I so did not want drugs.

10:30pm - Asked for some pain meds in my IV, the contractions were all in the upper part of my stomach which made me nauseous more than they hurt.

October 23rd, 2012 12:00am - Still not much progress, I think I was about 2 cm by now. Clock was a'tickin' and I knew my time was running out fast.

1:00am- My mom headed home because she was getting goofy and couldn't sleep on the couch/bed/thing that was there at the hospital.

4:00am - Still at a 2 and I asked for an epidural. The way my contractions stayed in the bottom of my rib cage instead of lower in my abdomen really, for lack of a better term, sucked. I am absolutely terrified of needles and I'm bad at sitting still while nervous so this was a heck of an experience. The nurse was wonderful though and allowed me to tuck my head under her chin into her chest as contractions rolled through and I absolutely could not move. This was probably the hardest part of it all.

5:00am - A nurse came in to wake me up and ask me to roll on my side as D's heart rate was getting a little sporadic.

6:30am - For whatever reason, the epidural wore on my left side as I was apparently in the transitional phase of labor. I had some serious pain in my hip and ribs while waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back and fix it. I was pretty proud of myself here for not hollering or making much of a fuss. I was moaning quietly with the contractions at this point, watching them peak on the monitor. This is around the same time I threw up purple Popsicle and peed all over myself. I also was thanking A for not sneaking me in any food even though I was a jerk about it earlier that night.

7:00am - They came in and ran the absolute lowest dose of Pitocin through my IV. Shortly after, the anesthesiologist walked in and adjusted my epidural. I guess the initial doctor only gave me half a dose and my body reacted funny to being on my side. I was only 3 centimeters at this point.

7:02am - The epidural kicked in and I asked the anesthesiologist to marry me.

7:04am - I found out he was married and would not, in fact, leave his wife for the deranged pregnant lady in front of him.

7:10am - I passed out from relief. Slept like I would never sleep again. A was standing guard the whole time. Holding my hand while I slept.

9:00am - Nurse came in to check my progress and wake me up. Surprise! I dilated to a 10 in two hours! While I slept! Go me! Nurse said I could start to push now or I could wait for my body to bring the baby down a little further naturally. I chose to wait so my mom could have time to get back to the hospital. Of course, when I tried calling her she didn't answer her phone 6 times. Called my step dad and he yelled at her to get out of the shower. Told her I was waiting on her to get here so I could push. Excitement commence! (That was my movie announcer voice, by the way.)

10:00am - Donna (the delivery nurse) came back in with Barb, the other delivery nurse to have me do a few test pushes to see how good I was it. Being the professional that I am, they could see bald head in 2 good pushes. They asked me to stop so my doctor could get there to play catch.

10:05am - In strolls my mother, just in the nick of time. She told me now she wasn't sure how she was going to support me or what to say and that she wasn't going to look.

10:10am - Here comes the doctor and it's go time. I pushed through about 8-10 contractions. This baby seriously did not want to come out. Eventually, it got to a point where the top of her head was just bobbing back and forth out of my hoohah.

10:25am - My mom looked.

10:47am - One big giant push and my adorable baby girl came flying into the world all at once. A likes to compare her to a baby seal, the way her whole body slid out in one push amuses him. She started to yell at all of us right away to make it known just how comfortable she was before I shoved her out into the cold. As I was being stitched back together, they got her cleaned up and handed her to me for some kangaroo care. It's amazing looking back just how tiny her body was pressed against mine. She was so alert and amazing. Eyes wide open, looking at me. She calmed almost immediately upon being placed in my arms. She was 7 lbs, 7 1/2 oz. 21 inches long. Her eyes were black when she was born and she had hardly any hair. She is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and I don't know what I would do without her. I am so proud of myself and my birth coaches for how well we handled this experience. Almost 40 hours from the start, my life as a family finally began.

Oh yeah! And I didn't poop while pushing!

Influenster.

I started participating in a company called Influenster recently. It allows you to review free products and climb to the top of the ladder using your social media influence. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Here's a link.