Wrong.

I hate when I go on these rants where all I do is complain. It makes me feel so immature and self centered. There are so many other things going on in the world. Why do I feel the need to take up space on the internet with my stupid drivel?

Because I can.

"I got a right to be wrong." That's a damn good reason to me. I don't really have any one else to turn to. I'm not exactly the best at expressing myself to others. I've figured out though, that it's okay to not be surrounded by "friends" constantly.  I do not have to have a million people in my life attempting to help me succeed. The only person that's going to see success is me, so obviously I am the only one that can achieve that success.

I have a ton of things I want. I would love to know who I'm going to marry, whether or not I'm going to have children, what career path I'm going to choose, how I'm going to get there, shit, I'd just like to know what it is I'm going to wear tomorrow. But I don't. And I can't.

That's okay.

No one seems to understand that honestly, with enough patience everything will be just fine. I've been in such weird moods lately. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm up and down worse than a roller coaster. I feel like I'm making so much progress though. I'm completely convinced I have the ability to achieve whatever I want. Even if all I want to do is chain smoke and write a novel. Or come up with a brand new way to treat PTSD. Maybe I should just sit back and roll with the punches. I think if I just take a break, come up for air for a little while, things will be more clear.

I get scared thinking about all the decisions I'm going to have to make soon. Everyone gets scared right? Because I feel like if people aren't afraid of making decisions that will change the rest of their lives, they really aren't thinking things through.

It makes me laugh the way my thoughts bounce around like this. I get tired and I hear a song that makes me think and I just start going. No rhyme or reason to anything. It's not like anyone will ever read this anyway and give me any feedback.

What do I care?

I need a better job. I need to focus on school and really get shit done. I need to get as far away from this town as possible and just let go of everything. I'm such a contradiction to myself. All I want to do is leave but I will buy a 2 year gym membership. Someone told me earlier that was quite the commitment to make. No kidding. A stupid one at that. Hundreds of dollars to spend on something I don't particularly think I'll be using awhile from now. I like the idea of committing to something though. No one can commit to me and no one can respect my commitments. So I'll commit to something no one has anything to do with but me.

"Whatever's out there waiting for me, I'm gonna face it willingly."

That's a damn good line; A damn good way to end this too.

Nothing.

That is what I feel like. Absolutely nothing. Not even a breath of air. I don't know when it happened but I've become a stranger to myself. It's like I'm unable to make decisions anymore. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, I simply don't make a choice at all.

Some days I want to just take off and disappear. Come back to this town a few years from now, see how things have changed. Today is one of those days. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on, someone show me the exit please. I feel like I can't even write in complete sentences right now. My thoughts are in a million different places all at once.

How can so much time not even matter? What is a person supposed to do when  they are faced with so many choices? I'm fairly certain the path I would like to take. I just don't want to go that way alone. I'm scared it's the only way though. It seems that no one in my life wants what I want. Maybe that's my fault. I really should just disappear and do what it is I feel like I need to do. It will be incredibly difficult doing it on my own sure, but it will be done. After that maybe someone will be able to be supportive of what I think I need.

I'm incredibly tired of feeling like this though. I want to be happy and joyful and elated and fun for longer than a few hours again. I want to wake up with a smile on my face again. I think maybe I need to start going back to church. Maybe that's the problem? Or maybe I'm the problem? If I'm the problem then I'm obviously the solution too. Maybe I should just stop standing in my own way and just be.

I wonder what that would be like. I'm like a hurricane. Periods of calm, the rest of the time destroying whatever comes in my path. I hate that I do that to everything. Only one person has ever fought the storm and won. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. For trying to walk away from the one person who never gave up. I can't believe I've been so blind.