Nothing.

That is what I feel like. Absolutely nothing. Not even a breath of air. I don't know when it happened but I've become a stranger to myself. It's like I'm unable to make decisions anymore. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, I simply don't make a choice at all.

Some days I want to just take off and disappear. Come back to this town a few years from now, see how things have changed. Today is one of those days. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on, someone show me the exit please. I feel like I can't even write in complete sentences right now. My thoughts are in a million different places all at once.

How can so much time not even matter? What is a person supposed to do when  they are faced with so many choices? I'm fairly certain the path I would like to take. I just don't want to go that way alone. I'm scared it's the only way though. It seems that no one in my life wants what I want. Maybe that's my fault. I really should just disappear and do what it is I feel like I need to do. It will be incredibly difficult doing it on my own sure, but it will be done. After that maybe someone will be able to be supportive of what I think I need.

I'm incredibly tired of feeling like this though. I want to be happy and joyful and elated and fun for longer than a few hours again. I want to wake up with a smile on my face again. I think maybe I need to start going back to church. Maybe that's the problem? Or maybe I'm the problem? If I'm the problem then I'm obviously the solution too. Maybe I should just stop standing in my own way and just be.

I wonder what that would be like. I'm like a hurricane. Periods of calm, the rest of the time destroying whatever comes in my path. I hate that I do that to everything. Only one person has ever fought the storm and won. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. For trying to walk away from the one person who never gave up. I can't believe I've been so blind.