Hostile.

If I could write you a bittersweet song, it would be an unpretentious one.
It would start with just three words, ones with which I'd never go wrong.
Let me go, I'd sing, and quit tearing up my life, keeping me from the sun.
I could pray every single minute to a god I'm not sure was ever there all along.

If you won't love me back, why do you keep holding me here?
The air is growing thicker, and my visions not so clear.
I can't keep begging every day for something as simple as a smile.
I can feel my heart burst wide open but you remain so hostile.

You can tell me that you miss me all you fucking want.
That doesn't mean I give a damn, I'm not some bar you like to haunt.
I try to give you everything you could even think to ask for.
It may not mean a thing but loving you is still a chore.

It's safe to say that now's the time, it's better late than never.
I hate to break it to you, but truly I must go.
You thought you had it wrapped up, that you really were that clever.
Except I'm the one that's faced the truth, something you'll never know.

Fake.

Well today is completely uneventful. I got off work twenty minutes after I got there because yet again none of my systems work. This whole situation is frustrating to say the least. Oh well.

Gives me time to post something new even though I don't really think I have anything to say. Except this:

People need to stop pretending to be something they aren't. It is incredibly aggravating when people have to copy others simply because they don't know who they are. I don't have it figured out anymore than others but I've come to accept that. It's not really a big deal anymore. One of these days I'm sure I'll know exactly what I want and I'll have myself figured out. For now though, I don't mind just hanging out in the background keeping a watchful eye on everything around me. I don't keep up with new movies or music, I don't change my wardrobe depending on the current fashion, I'm just who I am. Maybe who I am now is not who I will be years from now but I can assure you I am much happier being who I am right now then trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't know if that's just how some people are though, if they spend their entire lives looking for acceptance from other people. I feel like that is a miserable way to live a life, and what an incredible waste.

Open your eyes and please take a look at the world around you.
Why is that you are so frightened of putting who you really are on display?
You should not feel so compelled to follow suit with what everyone thinks you should do.
Sometimes I feel the declarations coming out of your mouth aren't even words that you would say.

 (incomplete.)

Feedback.

I've noticed that I've started to get a lot more readers on my blog. While I appreciate that, you guys feel free to comment with thoughts and questions. Also, go ahead and follow me on here or on Twitter @perri_runlife is you feel like it. Knowing I have people who want to read what I write will keep me posting on a regular basis and posting means practice which means I'll only be able to become a better writer.

I'd love for some feedback of any kind even if it's "cool story, bro".

Even if I don't get any feedback, I still appreciate you guys reading and I'll keep doing what I do.

On that note, remind me somehow that I have to post another short little note that I have in my work notebook. I keep forgetting lately and I think it's half way decent.

Thanks.
P

Still.

Every single day I find myself falling a little farther.
Every loving word you say making my heart beat a little harder.

I should have learned by now, you're just a moonlight Casanova.
Time keeps holding me still, all my defenses are simply pushed over.

Why can't we spend our nights merely looking at the stars?
A million miles couldn't keep me away, no absence is too far.

Maybe that is the way of the world, for everyone to keep their distance;
The only ones finding happiness are the ones lousy with persistence. 

And if I die trying to wholly win your love,
Time will still hold me here, with you all I can think of.

Lazy.

Lazy day today. I'm enjoying it. Relaxing and such. I don't think I do enough of that anymore. I'm always doing something or going somewhere. It's tiring.

Decided I need to find some new thrift stores around here. I also need to find someone to go thrifting with. My style is changing again. Oh well. I need new glasses too. I'm apparently blind. I don't even know why I'm bothering with this post.

It's not like I have anything to write about. Or anyone to give advice to. I don't know. Maybe later on today I'll have something interesting to say. That's what life is all about right? Keeping other people's interest. Make up a story, write down a silly rhyme, something to hold their interest. Even just being obnoxious and rude is a way to make people look.

I don't like that. I've relaxed too much in the last year to really care too much what people think. Which doesn't mean I don't think about it at all, because I do. But I used to agonize every day over whether my make up was right and my hair was perfect and my outfit fit me just so. Right now, I have a cow lick sticking up the back of my three inch long hair and no make up on. I'm about to hang out with friends too.

It just doesn't matter anymore. There are so many other important things in the world to focus on.

more later.

Tired.

I'm just so fucking tired. Everyone wants to do so much. I just want to enjoy the next breath I take. Don't people understand how short life can be? Why waste it hating everything you do? I don't surround myself with people anymore. A few stick around just because they like to, and that's enough for me.

I've realized now that it's my responsibility to maintain my happiness and sure as shit I'm not going to let someone take it from me once it has been achieved. I have a blunt attitude. I don't take shit and I'm extremely sarcastic. I'm offensive and a little off putting. I know this. And I simply do not care.

Maybe it's because for 19, I'm jaded. Especially when compared to other people I know. I don't always like to be so cynical. I don't like the word cynical either. I'm not cynical or negative. I'm realistic and logical to a fault.

I work full-time. I like it. I really love having a steady job. It's awesome. It's like people have a hard time adjusting to that fact though and I find myself constantly defending every move I make because So and So wants to talk to me more or somebody wants to hang out. I'm always at the beck and call of other peoples wants and needs. I'm always making sure Random Person A is getting what they need.

No one has ever really given me anything just because when they saw it they thought of me. I want someone to do that. I don't want it to be something you think I need. Or something you think I might want. I want something that reminds you of me every time you look at it.
I want someone that can care about me like that. That's really what I want.

I'm just tired and agitated. Stuck in one of my moods again.  I feel like I'm expected to do an unlimited amount of favors for a handshake in return. Where's my hand out? It's funny how all this came about because I thought about how my ears wouldn't itch from a nice pair of earrings. I have the strangest brain sometimes.

Tired though.

Resolutions.

I want to;
Try harder.
Be stronger.
Get smarter.
Run faster.
Live more.
Breath deeper.
Make more money.
Have more patience.
Be respected.
Make the big decisions easier.
Give up less.
Trust more.
Keep more organized.
Let down walls.
Build my self esteem up.
Explore my faith.
Get closer with my friends.
Sever unhealthy relationships permanently.
Avoid people who play games.
Take more pictures.
Make good memories.
Let go of the past.
Be happy.
That last one is whats important. I want to be happy. Its been an extremely long time since I've been legitimately happy. I want to make my life less complicated and be able to breath easier. I want to become more responsible and I want to be given the chances to learn how to do that. I'm going to be eighteen in three months and I want to start getting back on track. But happy, that's what I want the most.

Walls.

It’s beautiful to look at you early in the morning
         The sun shines through and I can’t believe my eyes
         I see your loving smile and I’ll say that I’m surprised
        It’s so soon into the day for my heart to be soaring

        I used to be so afraid of letting someone in my heart
         I realized one day the kind of world I was keeping at arms length
         Days like this spent in your arms simply keep giving me strength
        Seems despite my fears, you pulled my world together, not apart.

        Heartbreakingly wonderful, you stepped right past my walls
        I fought with myself so hard trying to keep myself away
        Looking in your eyes, my mind couldn’t ignore my hearts calls

        So fearfully I think of a day when you might not be mine
        But with the sun lighting up your ever loving face today,
        It is simple for me, with you by my side, to be just fine.

Laces.

So many people with their heads hanging down.
Keeps getting harder until they're beat to the ground.

Has to be something that puts a smile on their faces.
Need to heal their hearts to get their eyes off their laces.

Everyone needs a little break now and then.
Not easy getting by, things are harder than they've been.

It's like you have to know someone to get in the door.
Well love has a different way of getting you up off the floor.

Maybe it's temporary, this feeling that sets you free.
Could be contrary, doesn't mean it shouldn't be.

Learning to love one another is not as hard as it should seem.
Peace is not something that belongs only in a dream.

Back.

I hate to ask you not to forget me.
Maybe you could try just to remember.
Take one second, look around, and just breath.
You should know by now, you're everything to me.
Someone told me that they saw you last night,
You looked so lonely standing there in the flashing lights.
Oh, I want so badly for you to come back home.
I know that I don't need you but I don't like it on my own.
Maybe I broke all of my promises.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
But you know I'm still standing here today.
No matter how much you yell and push me away.
You might stay out, try to drink it all down.
Take all the shots you want to take, you'll still want me around.
I want to see you again with a smile on your face.
This house just feels so wrong, come back and take your place.

Storm.

I'm simple.
19.
Workaholic.
Writer.
Dreamer.
Reader.
Sometimes a believer.
I'm forgetful and I try too hard.
I'm extremely shy but I hide it well.
I often think I'm talentless.
Music has a way of moving my soul.
Drama is something I try desperately to avoid.
I have very little faith in humanity anymore.
Realistic and logical to a fault.
Agonize over decisions often.
Not all that complicated really.
Yet I stand alone in this storm.

Hippie.

I don't understand where the time went. Or where exactly everything started to go wrong. All I know is that this past year has been awful. I stayed in a crap relationship for way too long. I stayed at a job I hated for the same amount of time. I missed my opportunity in the military. I barely graduated, a year late might I add. I'm single now, working at a better job. I can get back into the military direction, and apply for college but it's like I'm stuck standing still. I can't move forward at all, christ, I can't even slip up and fall backwards.
I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm mature, I'm mildly attractive, my parents make sure I have what I need in regards to major things. My life is easy anymore. So why do I keep standing in my way? My past sucked, yeah. So does everyone elses. What makes my life any different? I see all these people moving on, being successful. I'm just sitting here lighting up again enjoying some good music.
It's not that I'm not happy. I just feel...restless. It's like I know something needs to change and it's right there almost within my grasp, but the colors blur outside my fingertips and I don't quite know where to look. I keep meeting people but I don't want anyone to stick around. I cut all my hair off and good lord do I feel unattractive anymore. I want to change so much, in my life and in other peoples lives. Things could be so much better.
Which makes me think of the religion thing, what is wrong with people? Don't you see all we need to do is have faith in something better and just do right and show kindness? Why is it greed has the ability to sway masses and cause so much harm? I sound like a hippie. This is just stupid but I'm so frustrated. I look around and it's like I'm surrounded by people that simply don't give a damn. Kids are having kids, parents don't care. Everyone is violent or poor. This is not a democratic nation and our leaders choose to let us slide further and further into oblivion. We are not some third world country waiting on a hand out but for some reason our population has begun to act like one.
Wake up people. Why can't you see the world is waiting and all you have to do is reach out and have it all? I'm learning how to let go and I see so many people who just bottle it up and explode at others and I can't help but wonder how I'm supposed to get stronger when the world is just hopeless.

Protection.

Please come hold me.
Protect me from the demons of the world.
Stay with me until the end of time.
I want to feel the warmth of your hand in mine.
Please just touch me.
The feel of your lips on mine has me teeming.
Don't ever stray all that far from home.
You always should remember your heart wherever you roam.

Burning.

Burning brightly into the night we're like a fire no one dares to extinguish
Such a beautiful break from the all the worlds hurt and anguish
You are like a song I can't help but keep on repeat
I know its cliche but you've got a smile that knocks me off my feet
Maybe its silly, or even a little bit sad
But that look in your eye got ahold of my heart bad
You're the kind I want to kiss all night in the pouring rain
Even a simple thing like your hand in mine can drive away any pain

Criminal.

Its funny you don't see it, just what is standing there.
You tell me that you mean it, why have I lost my air?
Running away like I'm a criminal escaping to the streets.
Something must've gone wrong, maybe our song skipped a couple beats.
I warned you of your power, now I'm standin' here in the dark.
You knew what you could do to me, you still tore me all apart.
I watched your eyes go cold and felt you pull away.
I'll just sit right here, unsure of the words to say.
Where do you to when you have to step back from wonderful?
How do you cope when you've seen what could be, it's beautiful.
What do I gotta do to take the fear from your soul?
Show me the road I gotta take to make you whole.
Right now, watching you, waiting to know if I should go.
Not sure what happened here but I feel so hollow.
Used to love to watch your eyes light up with a smile.
You have a way about you, made me feel more than I've felt in quite awhile.
Looks like our fire burned a little too brightly.
Maybe we shouldn't have held on so tightly.
Couldn't get enough of every morning waking to your face.
Wish there had been some kind of warning, something was out of place.
You're the race everybody wants to win.
That gold medals a symbol of the joy you bring.
I had you but you'll be gone by July.
Let me stick around, I know we can reach the sky.
Whether you're here or not when the leaves turn in the fall,
I'll still be waiting if you should decide to call.

Alright.

People come and people go.
Sometimes life moves so fast its hard to know,
What to do at a crossroads all alone.
Sitting here with you, I feel at home.
For the first time, I'm unafraid.
I've let my walls come down despite what they say.
Looking at you under this starry sky,
I can't help but love the way the moon shines in your eyes.
So many have made promises they never meant to keep,
Been broken down so many times, no wonder I can't sleep.
Feels like the world stops spinning and I run right out of air.
Hearts beating a mile a minute just seeing you standing there.
Can't wait to be back in your arms, get as close as I can be.
Such a shame I can't put into words what I think of you and me.
Each night I dream of what I'm living.
How lucky can one be to deserve what I'm given.
Mistakes will be made and people will fall.
I'm unafraid, we can get through it all. Feels like part of me is missing, other half is still around.
But when its you I'm kissing, can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.
Maybe we should take a break and walk away.
Getting in too deep, need to know that that's okay.
Won't you hold me a little closer tonight?
Remind me things will all work out alright.