Special.

It is as simple as this.

You are a human.

One of billions.

Everyone is searching for the same thing ultimately.

Everyone reaches lows.

Everyone has high points too.

Any person at any time can decide to be cruel and hateful.

That is common.

It is also common for a person to be fearful and cautious instead of diving headfirst into the risk.

It is very uncommon for a person to be kind and honest and balance risk with caution.

A person that can do that.

That person is special.

You.

You are not.

You are unimportant in the grand scheme of things until you do something that makes you unimportant.
Everyone in the world is an undiscovered star. Everyone has a talent. Everyone has something in their lives they will do.
Being self important is simply being stupid.

Old Posts Pt. 10

November 24th, 2010.

I'm a bad girlfriend. I lied. I cheated. I took advantage of people. I made a mockery of something that should have been taken seriously. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, especially not with the person who I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, I'm 18, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah. You know what I say to people who say that? Fuck you and fuck your opinion. This is the first time that the thought of losing a person has ever made me beg. I honestly can't stop crying. And it's not the tears quietly rolling down my face kind of crying. It's the body shaking kind of sobbing that scares me.

It's not in my nature to care like this. Those that have been around long enough, you know that. But it is my nature to destroy the things that mean the most to me. Why do you think I haven't graduated yet? Why do you think I haven't confronted the people that deserve to be confronted? I was afraid. But not anymore. If fear can take my whole future away from in an instant, I don't want it. I'm done being afraid. So in the next few weeks, I'll probably lose my car and my house. But I don't care. I'm a human. I need to start acting like one.

I'm tired. Being a fuck up doesn't work for me anymore. I prayed last night. I prayed for a long time to someone I wasn't even sure existed when I started praying. I was begging for the strength to let go of the things I was letting hold me back. I was begging for forgiveness from the person I don't deserve forgiveness from. I made a fool of him. I never had the right to do that. But in the midst of my prayer, I felt suddenly like all the burdens I'd been carrying had just been stripped away from me. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just hope that someone existed that could end my suffering.

I reached the lowest of lows last night. Now it's time to get up off my knees and respect myself. Respect the people in my life. The ones that matter. I'm not dolling out respect and forgiveness to just anyone anymore. I have very few people in my life who I respect and I've done a terrible job of acting like it. I had to have control over everything. If I was miserable, everyone else should be miserable. Just because my life wasn't fair for awhile doesn't mean I have the right to be a piece of shit. I'm done with the excuses. Last night showed me where excuses got me. Fuck. That.

I deleted the email accounts I could, hid the ones I couldn't. Deleted my myspace account and I'm about to deactivate facebook after 24 hours of this note being posted. I'm changing my number today too. So that way all of the idiots that keep my number for years can just leave me alone. I know that someone out there can learn from my mistakes. Please god if you're the person heading the way I was heading, stop now. Turn around. Cancel your plans. Just pray. And move on. Life isn't about suffering. Life is about being a real person and being strong and caring and respectful and loving and faithful. It's time I be all those things. I refuse to let any part of my past stop me anymore.

I'm so ready to go.

Old Posts Pt. 9

September 16th, 2009.

  I've made a lot of stupid decisions in the last few months. I got in over my head with a guy who doesn't deserve me. I let that guy interfere with my relationship with each of my parents and I lost some very close friends because they lost all respect for me because of my actions. I was kicked out twice, decided I didn't need a job, that I didn't need friends or family, that I didn't need anything. I became selfish, disrespectful, and rude. I got lazy and crude. I don't know why I started acting like this. I guess I could make excuses for myself but what's the point? What good does it do?

So I admit to these faults and now where do I go? What do I do differently? What do I do to stop myself from repeating this cycle? I know, those of you reading are saying just stop doing it. Think of it like a meth addict, that's how me and these destructive decisions get along. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself I don't deserve anything so each time I take a step forward, I make sure I take at least two steps back. That's how I've trained myself to survive. It's not healthy. I don't like it. So go get therapy? Tried it. Won't work. Not for me. Too independent to do things like that. For some reason, I just have to do things on my own.

Everyone says I've changed. I simply hate what I've become. I don't know if it's different. Am I doing better because I'm recognizing what I'm doing wrong? Admitting there's a problem. Isn't that the first step of AA or something? I don't know what to think. More like, I don't know how to think. For myself that is. Everyone used to see me as selfish because of the way I hurt people. I never tried to hurt people. It happened because I was so busy trying to make everyone happy that I hurt them all instead.

Maybe I realized that I need to make myself happy first before I can make anyone else happy. But how do I do that.

Where do I begin?

Old Posts Pt. 8

March 25th, 2010.

Tattoos and piercings. The opportunity to express myself. I want to be respected. I want people to look at me and see me as someone smart, pretty, witty, goal oriented, mature, responsible, innocent, strong, and fearless. I am these things. Sometimes. I'm tired of having so many different sides of me, so many different aspects to my personality that I'm afraid to mold into one person.
I deserve this don't I? I don't understand where my head and heart went wrong. Why do I see myself so low? People tell me I'm beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc and I just don't see it. I look in the mirror and see all these things I would give anything to change and fix and replace.
How is it life can make a person hate themselves? Nobody deserves to feel like that but when you feel it yourself? You blame yourself. It's like no matter how little control you had over a situation, it's still your fault. Does anyone know what I mean?

Excuse me for thinking aloud, or rather in type. I just have too many thoughts in my head sometimes and I need a release. I know I need to change things. I know I need to start with myself but I don't know how. I know that the only way to get people to respect me is to respect myself and love myself and blah blah blah but do people really do that? I don't think I've ever met someone with genuine self confidence. So if that's the case, if it doesn't exist, how do we pretend well enough to get that reputation?

Does everyone base their decisions on other people? Who is able to make choices for their lives just for them? I know exactly the ink that I want and the piercings I want and I know how I want to dress and I know the person I want to be and I know where I want to go and I know what I want to accomplish but I'm so afraid of judgement that I can't go through with what I want.

I want to feel beautiful and strong like some people see me but I don't know how to do that. My brain just came sliding to a stop. Guess I'm done for tonight.

Old Posts Pt. 7

January 23rd, 2010.


"Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."

I'm tired, exhausted, broken.
I quit, give up, give in.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep up the fight. I don't have anything left.
Not a drop of soul left to give. Hearts gone too. "No one really ever wins."
I want more love. I'm saying so damn it. So where is it?
Why can't I have it? Why won't anyone stay awhile? When did I become what I am?
How did I drift away to nothing? Why is it I'm always alone? What the hell did I do wrong?
I'm nothing, invisible, broken.
Like a lost toy. Easily replaced. Easily forgotten.
I'm sick of being replaceable. I'm done with being easily forgotten. I'm done with it all.
No more games. No more arguments. No more walking away.
Stop saying good bye. Stop saying I'm sorry. Stop saying things will get better.
Tired. Shattered. Broken.
Just stay. Don't leave. Sit still.
Life is a record player on repeat. The CD needs to skip. Put a scratch in it.
I need a break. I need to take a second. I need to get some air.
There's a whole in my chest. It's sucking every last bit of me out. Throwing it all away.
Stop fighting. Stop screaming. Stop breaking.
Feeling sick again. Pain in my head. Losing control all over again.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Who am I? Where did I go? Why did I leave?
Things are always changing. Everything is just going through the motions though. On repeat.
I want to skip this verse. Jump ahead a few chapters. Throw away the unnecessary parts.
Fix it. Get it right. No more breaking.
I don't have regrets. I don't have the chance to live to have regrets. I don't get the opportunity to really screw up.
Took away my choices. Left me with a path I don't want to be on. Telling me what to do.
You don't know what to tell me. You don't have the words I need. You aren't what I need.
Stop it. Stop saying sorry. Stop pretending to know what this is.
I hate the cliches. I hate the stupid love stories. I hate the make believe.
Real love is messy. Love is hard work. Love is fixing the broken.
Life doesn't fall into place. Life doesn't slow down enough to fall anywhere. Life isn't affected by gravity.
Time to take the risk. Time to make some decisions. Time to go out on a limb.
I want to reach the tip of the moon. I want to float along the bottom of the ocean. I want to taste the sunrise.
Every part of the world. Make it a part of me. Shrink it down and make it a soul for me.
That's what I'll do. That's what I need. That soul thing.
It was stolen. Everything mine was stolen. No more stealing.
Realize what you deserve. Reach for what you dream. Fight against the odds.
My turn now. I waited for it. I dreamed about it.
History repeats itself. Shake the record player. Make history skip a few notes.
One shake is enough to change it. One step forward. One step further.
No more half-way. No more almost made it. No more could have tried harder.
Broke down. Fell apart. Lost control.
Came out stronger. Pushed a little harder. Got a little further.
Breaking. Broken. But better.

Old Posts Pt. 6

December 8th, 2009.

I was speaking with a friend of mine earlier. I was trying to get his assistance in generating some traffic on here and he couldn't seem to understand why after having read over the page. While it seems that it's just me having a lot of personal experiences and just talking about those things and my feelings, it's more than that. I want to connect with people. I want to learn about other peoples lives.

I'm too young to have experienced everything and I may never get around to experiencing everything so maybe I can't do it first hand but I can live vicariously through others. I want to share smiles with strangers and joyful days. I also want to be able to feel other peoples pain and learn from their mistakes too. It seems so far, trying to do it all on my own I haven't accomplished much. So I guess what I want from this, what I want from blog traffic and posting the bs that happens day to day is connections. I haven't been able to feel emotions for very long and now that I can, I want to feel as many as I can. Let's do something about this.

Old Posts Pt. 5

December 7th, 2009.

A wave of safety and security.
Like I want to just keep listening to Johnny and June on repeat.
Like I can't get enough and my heart keeps racing.
Like my face is flushed and I'm breathing hard, but I'm in my room all alone.
Like you're in my head so much there's no room for anything else.
Like thinking of your smile brings warmth in my heart.
I've never before thought myself capable of this kind of craziness.
Tell me what you've done to me. Explain to me how you did it.
Teach me the in's and out's of these feelings.
Make promises to me and hold true to them.
Prove me to me this is real.
Show me.
Because I'm terrified.
It's like my breath was stolen away and I just want to be held.
It's like that moment when our eyes meet and the only thing I can see is you.
And when your hands are on my skin, good god I lose my mind.
What'd you do to me sir?
I can't make this kind of stuff up. And maybe its only temporary.
Maybe a month from now, when you go away for all that time, maybe it'll all fade away.
Maybe I'll just be a memory of someone who used to make you laugh.
Who knows honestly?
But I'm not scared. Not anymore.
I want this. I want your hands, your lips, your arms wrapped around me, your heart. I want it all.
I want you.

Old Posts Pt. 4

November 26th, 2009.

I do this every now and then. Get things off my chest that I wouldn't say to a person in most situations. A lot of these are just because I can't say them because I no longer speak with the POI. Anyway, I'm going to number each one and say my piece. If you feel like trying to figure out if something is directed at you, just ask. I'll probably tell you.

1. You are nowhere near as intelligent as you try and act like you are. You're hurtful and immature and petty. I never should have given you the chance I gave you. You walked all over me. I figured it out at one point though and started using you too. The things you have blamed me for and the way you made me miserable haunt me. I think about the plans I had with you and it makes me sick. You were absolutely toxic. And a complete waste of my time. I didn't learn anything from our relationship. It's just made me angrier and more frigid. You're pathetic. I hope you realize what a waste of oxygen you are. Your mother should have swallowed.

2. You're a liar. You act like you are so saintly and like you have your life figured out. You're just like every other single man. You have one thing in mind and you'll do whatever it takes to get it. You disgust me. You're moving soon and I'm glad of that. I already don't talk to you as it but the further away you are the better. Grow up.

3. We had a good time together but you drink too much and you have a bad temper. I'm sorry I wasted your time.

4. I was serious when I said I wasn't playing second fiddle anymore. You better decide quick what is important to you because someday soon I'm cutting out the people that say one thing and do another. I'm not the friend you turn to when you need advice or to talk about something. This sounds stupid but I deserve a little damn attention. I haven't seen you in months and I know for a fact you've been hanging out with other people. This isn't fair to me and I'm tired of it.

5. I think you are fantastic. You are a beautiful person inside and out. It's times like these when I hate distance. Miles shouldn't have to keep two people from exploring something new. Think about it.

6. You've been around for the last half of a decade and it couldn't make me happier. We have a strange relationship but I think we've finally got it figured out. I adore you. And if things go wrong you better believe when I'm 23 I'm calling in some promises. :)

7. You've changed so much. You used to be so anti-everything. The things you used to say you hated are exactly what you are today. Remember the story you used to tell your close friends about your brother? About what happened? Why would you want to live a life that could put you in that situation again? It's not funny. It never was. Everything about it just seems so wrong. Where did my little goofy friend go? I want that friend back. Please?

8. We've recently begun testing the waters of friendship again. I've missed you. Hanging out with you that day was so much fun. I hope it wasn't a one time thing. I said I want to strengthen relationships but please don't make me do all the work. It worries me that you forget me so easily. We used to be so close. Can we get there again?

9. You sir, completely amaze me in every single way. I've never met someone who's matched what I wanted better than you. I mean come on, we even get the same thing from taco bell. I love you Penguin. (Edit: P.S, I'm sorry that it doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what it is I'm feeling or where my life is headed. I'm so sorry.)

10. You never deserved my love. I gave you a year of my life and you gave me nothing but heartache in return. I waited around like you asked. I followed through on all my promises. For what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You lead me on like a puppy on a stupid leash. Every time I'd start to go on my own way, you'd tug me right back in and I'd happily follow along until you got distracted again. You were never ready. You were always too scared. You didn't want to do the distance. Blah blah blah. Bullshit was all I started hearing. I'm done with you. Completely over you. Finally. Thank. God. I wasted enough time on you as it was.

11. I miss you. I messed up several years ago and we've never been able to get it back. Now you just won't let me in. Please, stop making wallowing in your misery and let someone help. Stop making yourself hurt. You are tearing this family apart and I'm not certain you see it. I love you. I always will. Even though you don't even recognize I exist anymore.

12. I will make you proud if its the last thing I do. I'm not going to give you a reason to pick on me anymore. I won't let you embarrass me anymore either.

13. Four more months and your power over me will cease. I'll have kept my silence so you can keep your reputation. I've forgiven you but don't you dare ever think I will forget. You owe me now. And you will owe me the rest of your life. I'm sure you've figured that out by now.

14. You are a new friend. We thought about a relationship but I think we've both come to realize that we are much better friends. I think you are great and you make me laugh when I'm in the worst of moods. I've come to depend on you a little so I hope you can make good on your promise. I'm going to go have a good lurk now. Be back in 3-5 hours.

I'm pretty sure that's all I needed to say. I feel better, I think. This may be edited some time in the future but until then, enjoy. :)

Old Posts Pt. 3

October 5th, 2009.

What do you see as important concepts that keep a relationship bonded together? My immediate response was communication, friendship, faith, teamwork, understanding, patience, and trust. I'm honestly a little amazed at my own response. I know nothing of love and marriage and stable relationships, I'm 17 and all I've seen growing up are shattered dreams and broken relationships. Where do we learn our ideals and values for love and marriage? This is the era of starter marriages and messy divorces. I personally don't agree with divorce, those vows are forever, but sometimes it has to be done. I'm afraid of relationships now because of what I see in the media and even in the town I live in. What has happened to happiness? I want to find that couple that has been together for fifty years and just talk with them. I want to ask them how they do it, what their secret is. I want proof that two people can start a life together and continue to grow as a couple for the rest of their lives. I want to know what that love feels like. But then, don't we all? Even looking outside romantic relationships, what has happened to trust and loyalty? I could count the number of people I talk to on a weekly basis on one hand. There are incidents that occur in two seconds that ruin friendships that I have had for years. Is it just pure selfishness that makes it so easy for people to walk away? I have finally learned balance in life, and it seems once I have there is chaos everywhere else.
Pardon me for my lack of focus. Here's another thought. What does one do when on paper a person is statistically perfect but there's just not as strong as connection? Especially when there's another far from perfect person involved and the feelings there just keep getting stronger. How am I supposed to know that I'm looking at the rest of my life right in the face? How does anyone ever know?
I want to feel all the rushing emotions of love. I have always dreamed of marrying my high school sweetheart but I have never been able to remain in a stable relationship long enough to have one of those. I have learned that the reason for that is no ones fault but mine. I want to experience a connection with someone so strong that I feel a pull on my heart every time they say my name. These things exist for people.
Don't they?

Old Posts Pt. 2

September 21st, 2009.

Life as I have ever known it has flipped itself around on me. I was drawn to church yesterday and it has changed everything. I've always been a Christian, always believed, always tried to preach to others a little but now I can say with pride that I've been saved. Life hasn't really been the easiest thing for me and my faith has been shaken many times. I've been dealing with anger and bad decisions for too long. I finally gave it all up.
My church does alter calls and I went up and got down on my knees and prayed. I think this time I'll have the strength to survive the world the way it is. And to be able to make a change. I've reclaimed my virginity, walked away from a lot of toxic relationships, and I've put my full faith in Jesus. Now I can't quote verses and I don't know all the songs we sing every Sunday but I know what I believe and I know that those beliefs will always guide me. I thought it would take a lot to break old habits but with Christ in my life it's like there's no problems at all.
Tomorrow I start a new program for school. It's work at your own pace and I should hopefully have my diploma in a few months. I can't say I know what I'm going to do with my life because I don't. I know I want to go to college for criminal justice and psychology and I want to be a police officer. I also know that my best friend and I are going to try and start a foundation that helps give girls a way to reach out. I was abused and I know the terror and uncertainty that comes with the decision to speak out about it. I know programs like this already exist but there are not enough local programs and I feel that I can put a good Christian spin on things. I want to see girls get right with God and get put on the right path as soon as possible. I spent too much time miserable because of the things I was holding back. No girl deserves that and I want to help make that happen.
This is my life now. I live for no one but Jesus. I'm going to get to know the Bible and life is going to be different. It already is.

Old Posts Pt. 1

September 21st, 2009.

Its amazing. I look back at some of the messages I sent on Myspace from around 2006 when I got my Myspace and I’m honestly disgusted with myself and proud of myself at the same time. I’ve grown and changed so much since then. It has shaken me though because I’m not the only one that has changed. Friends I thought would never leave have come and gone. Relationships I said were true love, failed. Its wild to think about your past sometimes, even more so when you really get into it and you see the way you used to talk, the way you used to type, then you really get an idea of how greatly things have changed.
I’ve made a whole hell of a lot of mistakes in my life but I’ve learned from them. I’ve gotten up, grown up, and gone on with my life. That’s basically all you can do anymore. Life, I’ve come to realize, is less about living and more about surviving when your young. You do all you can just to get by, to get to the next stepping stone that will bring you  closer to freedom.
    Recently turning 17, I’ve come closer to that freedom and despite how much I wanted it when I was younger, I’m daunted. I thought I had it all figured out down to the last detail. I was going to go to law school, I was going to move out, blah de blah blah. Surprise surprise, that’s completely different now. I’m not too sure what I’m going to do with my life. It may involve the military, it may involve law school. I might go for criminal justice and behavioral science and try to work with the FBI. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve grown though and matured. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me but I’m also looking forward to the chance to explore life some more.
    I want to travel and have children. I want to be married and reach our golden anniversary. I want to teach others and I want to be taught. I want to know I’ve done something with my life. It doesn’t have to be something big to the world, just something I know that I did. That will probably end up being my graduating from college with my degrees.
    I’ve been thinking so much lately about all the people I’ve lost because of my decisions and I miss those people. I want those friendships back. I want to be a real person again instead of the attention seeking idiot I was for so long. My childhood was no fairytale but it wasn’t the worst out there either. I don’t have any excuse for my actions but I don’t regret them. Most of these people I’ve lost were very important to me and losing them is what I regret. I don’t regret the actions that caused that loss because in most cases it was a judgement made by them that ultimately pushed them away. I’m here to tell you right now, only God will judge me. That’s it.
    Three and a half years worth of messages from people I never hear from anymore, relationships I’ve honestly forgotten about, people I’ve forgotten about to. I don’t want to be just another face in my senior yearbook. I want to be one of those people that at our 20 year reunion everyone is glad to see me. Everyone remembers me as someone great. I want a chance at that.
    I have one year left to do things right and that’s my plan. I’m not playing games anymore and I won’t tolerate rumors and falsehoods. If you have an issue with my life, bring it up with me or don’t bring it up at all. It is my life and no one else’s to live and I will live it how I see fit. I expect this last year to not be about survival but about the connections I make with people, the things I accomplish. I have goals, needs, wants, and desires and I will do my best to make myself happy.
    Life is already stressful enough, I don’t need someone who is uncomfortable with themselves making things harder. I don’t talk about people anymore, your name will not cross my lips because of a silly rumor. I don’t need other people trying to tell me I’m wrong. Your opinions no longer matter, I am my own person finally. I don’t need validation. I don’t need acceptance. I don’t need anyone to rely on. I have myself and I have God and that is enough. If you choose not to accept me for who I am, so be it. I don’t need you.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is welcome change, embrace it.  Change is acceptable, it’s a part of life. You can’t control it, it just takes you along for the ride. You cannot regret the decisions you’ve made either because you wouldn’t be the person you are now without those actions. Take a second and look back at whatever history you have on your computer or a diary, anything that you used for years and compare it to yourself now. Now choose if you would rather live the rest of your life acting like you did when you were 13 or would you want to grow with the world as each day passes? Don’t run in fear from it because it’s new and different. You’ll spend your whole life just surviving if you’re too terrified to live.

Starting off fresh in 2011.

I've thought about it for awhile now and I've decided it's time I start writing again. I'm doing this purely because I've noticed not writing, has become a little detrimental to me. I use writing as a way to take control of my life, the finished pieces becoming my own personal sounding boards. I haven't had that in a very long time and there seems to be a bit of chaos because of that. So, I'll try again. I'm going to attempt a few posts a week but with my work schedule who knows what will happen. Maybe someone will read what I write and take heed of my mistakes and move forward. I hope so. I make plenty of mistakes for people to learn from. This is just my journal. My way of furthering myself. It's simple. That's all I need.