Old Posts Pt. 9

September 16th, 2009.

  I've made a lot of stupid decisions in the last few months. I got in over my head with a guy who doesn't deserve me. I let that guy interfere with my relationship with each of my parents and I lost some very close friends because they lost all respect for me because of my actions. I was kicked out twice, decided I didn't need a job, that I didn't need friends or family, that I didn't need anything. I became selfish, disrespectful, and rude. I got lazy and crude. I don't know why I started acting like this. I guess I could make excuses for myself but what's the point? What good does it do?

So I admit to these faults and now where do I go? What do I do differently? What do I do to stop myself from repeating this cycle? I know, those of you reading are saying just stop doing it. Think of it like a meth addict, that's how me and these destructive decisions get along. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself I don't deserve anything so each time I take a step forward, I make sure I take at least two steps back. That's how I've trained myself to survive. It's not healthy. I don't like it. So go get therapy? Tried it. Won't work. Not for me. Too independent to do things like that. For some reason, I just have to do things on my own.

Everyone says I've changed. I simply hate what I've become. I don't know if it's different. Am I doing better because I'm recognizing what I'm doing wrong? Admitting there's a problem. Isn't that the first step of AA or something? I don't know what to think. More like, I don't know how to think. For myself that is. Everyone used to see me as selfish because of the way I hurt people. I never tried to hurt people. It happened because I was so busy trying to make everyone happy that I hurt them all instead.

Maybe I realized that I need to make myself happy first before I can make anyone else happy. But how do I do that.

Where do I begin?