November 24th, 2010.
I'm a bad girlfriend. I lied. I cheated. I took advantage of people. I made a mockery of something that should have been taken seriously. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, especially not with the person who I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, I'm 18, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah. You know what I say to people who say that? Fuck you and fuck your opinion. This is the first time that the thought of losing a person has ever made me beg. I honestly can't stop crying. And it's not the tears quietly rolling down my face kind of crying. It's the body shaking kind of sobbing that scares me.
It's not in my nature to care like this. Those that have been around long enough, you know that. But it is my nature to destroy the things that mean the most to me. Why do you think I haven't graduated yet? Why do you think I haven't confronted the people that deserve to be confronted? I was afraid. But not anymore. If fear can take my whole future away from in an instant, I don't want it. I'm done being afraid. So in the next few weeks, I'll probably lose my car and my house. But I don't care. I'm a human. I need to start acting like one.
I'm tired. Being a fuck up doesn't work for me anymore. I prayed last night. I prayed for a long time to someone I wasn't even sure existed when I started praying. I was begging for the strength to let go of the things I was letting hold me back. I was begging for forgiveness from the person I don't deserve forgiveness from. I made a fool of him. I never had the right to do that. But in the midst of my prayer, I felt suddenly like all the burdens I'd been carrying had just been stripped away from me. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just hope that someone existed that could end my suffering.
I reached the lowest of lows last night. Now it's time to get up off my knees and respect myself. Respect the people in my life. The ones that matter. I'm not dolling out respect and forgiveness to just anyone anymore. I have very few people in my life who I respect and I've done a terrible job of acting like it. I had to have control over everything. If I was miserable, everyone else should be miserable. Just because my life wasn't fair for awhile doesn't mean I have the right to be a piece of shit. I'm done with the excuses. Last night showed me where excuses got me. Fuck. That.
I deleted the email accounts I could, hid the ones I couldn't. Deleted my myspace account and I'm about to deactivate facebook after 24 hours of this note being posted. I'm changing my number today too. So that way all of the idiots that keep my number for years can just leave me alone. I know that someone out there can learn from my mistakes. Please god if you're the person heading the way I was heading, stop now. Turn around. Cancel your plans. Just pray. And move on. Life isn't about suffering. Life is about being a real person and being strong and caring and respectful and loving and faithful. It's time I be all those things. I refuse to let any part of my past stop me anymore.
I'm so ready to go.
well, this was a really interesting piece of reading. I would label it this is how teenagers take their first steps into adulthood.
ReplyDeleteI like the emotional breakdown, self forgiveness and finally fresh start structure. I'm guessing you didn't really plan this on paper before posting it, and that's what makes it more easy to sink into and get captivated.
(on a less serious note, it could be used as a testimony for some church ^^)