March 25th, 2010.
Tattoos and piercings. The opportunity to express myself. I want to be respected. I want people to look at me and see me as someone smart, pretty, witty, goal oriented, mature, responsible, innocent, strong, and fearless. I am these things. Sometimes. I'm tired of having so many different sides of me, so many different aspects to my personality that I'm afraid to mold into one person.
I deserve this don't I? I don't understand where my head and heart went wrong. Why do I see myself so low? People tell me I'm beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc and I just don't see it. I look in the mirror and see all these things I would give anything to change and fix and replace.
How is it life can make a person hate themselves? Nobody deserves to feel like that but when you feel it yourself? You blame yourself. It's like no matter how little control you had over a situation, it's still your fault. Does anyone know what I mean?
Excuse me for thinking aloud, or rather in type. I just have too many thoughts in my head sometimes and I need a release. I know I need to change things. I know I need to start with myself but I don't know how. I know that the only way to get people to respect me is to respect myself and love myself and blah blah blah but do people really do that? I don't think I've ever met someone with genuine self confidence. So if that's the case, if it doesn't exist, how do we pretend well enough to get that reputation?
Does everyone base their decisions on other people? Who is able to make choices for their lives just for them? I know exactly the ink that I want and the piercings I want and I know how I want to dress and I know the person I want to be and I know where I want to go and I know what I want to accomplish but I'm so afraid of judgement that I can't go through with what I want.
I want to feel beautiful and strong like some people see me but I don't know how to do that. My brain just came sliding to a stop. Guess I'm done for tonight.
No comments:
Post a Comment