Old Posts Pt. 1

September 21st, 2009.

Its amazing. I look back at some of the messages I sent on Myspace from around 2006 when I got my Myspace and I’m honestly disgusted with myself and proud of myself at the same time. I’ve grown and changed so much since then. It has shaken me though because I’m not the only one that has changed. Friends I thought would never leave have come and gone. Relationships I said were true love, failed. Its wild to think about your past sometimes, even more so when you really get into it and you see the way you used to talk, the way you used to type, then you really get an idea of how greatly things have changed.
I’ve made a whole hell of a lot of mistakes in my life but I’ve learned from them. I’ve gotten up, grown up, and gone on with my life. That’s basically all you can do anymore. Life, I’ve come to realize, is less about living and more about surviving when your young. You do all you can just to get by, to get to the next stepping stone that will bring you  closer to freedom.
    Recently turning 17, I’ve come closer to that freedom and despite how much I wanted it when I was younger, I’m daunted. I thought I had it all figured out down to the last detail. I was going to go to law school, I was going to move out, blah de blah blah. Surprise surprise, that’s completely different now. I’m not too sure what I’m going to do with my life. It may involve the military, it may involve law school. I might go for criminal justice and behavioral science and try to work with the FBI. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve grown though and matured. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me but I’m also looking forward to the chance to explore life some more.
    I want to travel and have children. I want to be married and reach our golden anniversary. I want to teach others and I want to be taught. I want to know I’ve done something with my life. It doesn’t have to be something big to the world, just something I know that I did. That will probably end up being my graduating from college with my degrees.
    I’ve been thinking so much lately about all the people I’ve lost because of my decisions and I miss those people. I want those friendships back. I want to be a real person again instead of the attention seeking idiot I was for so long. My childhood was no fairytale but it wasn’t the worst out there either. I don’t have any excuse for my actions but I don’t regret them. Most of these people I’ve lost were very important to me and losing them is what I regret. I don’t regret the actions that caused that loss because in most cases it was a judgement made by them that ultimately pushed them away. I’m here to tell you right now, only God will judge me. That’s it.
    Three and a half years worth of messages from people I never hear from anymore, relationships I’ve honestly forgotten about, people I’ve forgotten about to. I don’t want to be just another face in my senior yearbook. I want to be one of those people that at our 20 year reunion everyone is glad to see me. Everyone remembers me as someone great. I want a chance at that.
    I have one year left to do things right and that’s my plan. I’m not playing games anymore and I won’t tolerate rumors and falsehoods. If you have an issue with my life, bring it up with me or don’t bring it up at all. It is my life and no one else’s to live and I will live it how I see fit. I expect this last year to not be about survival but about the connections I make with people, the things I accomplish. I have goals, needs, wants, and desires and I will do my best to make myself happy.
    Life is already stressful enough, I don’t need someone who is uncomfortable with themselves making things harder. I don’t talk about people anymore, your name will not cross my lips because of a silly rumor. I don’t need other people trying to tell me I’m wrong. Your opinions no longer matter, I am my own person finally. I don’t need validation. I don’t need acceptance. I don’t need anyone to rely on. I have myself and I have God and that is enough. If you choose not to accept me for who I am, so be it. I don’t need you.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is welcome change, embrace it.  Change is acceptable, it’s a part of life. You can’t control it, it just takes you along for the ride. You cannot regret the decisions you’ve made either because you wouldn’t be the person you are now without those actions. Take a second and look back at whatever history you have on your computer or a diary, anything that you used for years and compare it to yourself now. Now choose if you would rather live the rest of your life acting like you did when you were 13 or would you want to grow with the world as each day passes? Don’t run in fear from it because it’s new and different. You’ll spend your whole life just surviving if you’re too terrified to live.