Old Posts Pt. 7

January 23rd, 2010.


"Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."

I'm tired, exhausted, broken.
I quit, give up, give in.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep up the fight. I don't have anything left.
Not a drop of soul left to give. Hearts gone too. "No one really ever wins."
I want more love. I'm saying so damn it. So where is it?
Why can't I have it? Why won't anyone stay awhile? When did I become what I am?
How did I drift away to nothing? Why is it I'm always alone? What the hell did I do wrong?
I'm nothing, invisible, broken.
Like a lost toy. Easily replaced. Easily forgotten.
I'm sick of being replaceable. I'm done with being easily forgotten. I'm done with it all.
No more games. No more arguments. No more walking away.
Stop saying good bye. Stop saying I'm sorry. Stop saying things will get better.
Tired. Shattered. Broken.
Just stay. Don't leave. Sit still.
Life is a record player on repeat. The CD needs to skip. Put a scratch in it.
I need a break. I need to take a second. I need to get some air.
There's a whole in my chest. It's sucking every last bit of me out. Throwing it all away.
Stop fighting. Stop screaming. Stop breaking.
Feeling sick again. Pain in my head. Losing control all over again.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Who am I? Where did I go? Why did I leave?
Things are always changing. Everything is just going through the motions though. On repeat.
I want to skip this verse. Jump ahead a few chapters. Throw away the unnecessary parts.
Fix it. Get it right. No more breaking.
I don't have regrets. I don't have the chance to live to have regrets. I don't get the opportunity to really screw up.
Took away my choices. Left me with a path I don't want to be on. Telling me what to do.
You don't know what to tell me. You don't have the words I need. You aren't what I need.
Stop it. Stop saying sorry. Stop pretending to know what this is.
I hate the cliches. I hate the stupid love stories. I hate the make believe.
Real love is messy. Love is hard work. Love is fixing the broken.
Life doesn't fall into place. Life doesn't slow down enough to fall anywhere. Life isn't affected by gravity.
Time to take the risk. Time to make some decisions. Time to go out on a limb.
I want to reach the tip of the moon. I want to float along the bottom of the ocean. I want to taste the sunrise.
Every part of the world. Make it a part of me. Shrink it down and make it a soul for me.
That's what I'll do. That's what I need. That soul thing.
It was stolen. Everything mine was stolen. No more stealing.
Realize what you deserve. Reach for what you dream. Fight against the odds.
My turn now. I waited for it. I dreamed about it.
History repeats itself. Shake the record player. Make history skip a few notes.
One shake is enough to change it. One step forward. One step further.
No more half-way. No more almost made it. No more could have tried harder.
Broke down. Fell apart. Lost control.
Came out stronger. Pushed a little harder. Got a little further.
Breaking. Broken. But better.