It's so easy to lend your heart to someone who doesn't deserve it.
Should have seen it coming, there's always a fall to be expected
What do you say to never coming down from this great height?
You showed me that a broken heart can still be fixed,
Even after so many years of repeating the same old shatter
You tell me I'm a pill, you need another dose.
How did you get so blind to what's going to help you out?
Why'd you try to pass me by, thinkin' I don't know what you're about.
Where did you put your heart, I can feel it trying to reach me.
Things will always change but that doesn't mean you can't be free.
I've noticed that in and out of life, the good things seem to flit
Can't decide if it's a good idea to spend all my time protected.
I know I've a lot left to learn and some awful fears I need to fight.
Maybe neither of us are perfect, though we seem just fine mixed.
I think I would like if you stick around, you're my mad hatter.
We need to just go back to being so close.
Still astounding how silence never seemed to fit.
Conversation pouring forth, not a single feeling seemed neglected.
Free to admit that we don't really know it all but we still follow the light
There's a very good chance that you're up to the usual tricks
I'll do my best to pretend that those thoughts just don't matter.
If I don't think hard, they just fade away with the ghosts.
Every breath I try to breath, you jump right in to take a hit.
You keep pushing to get through the world, to make yourself connected.
Don't you understand that you and me, we hold what makes the days seem bright.
I've got to tell the truth, you see, I can't help but be transfixed.
Melding into me with the idea I was the one who had a soul in tatters.
Who would have guessed that you're the one who needs some time with little blue toes?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Hills.
There must have been something I missed along this lonely walk tonight.
Maybe a memo was written in the stars that I just didn't quite understand.
Perhaps I'm supposed to simply stand and watch you disappear into the fading light.
Try as I might it's become clear, it's time I let go of my grip on your hand.
There's a whisper in my mind, you can't save everyone single one.
Sometimes no matter what you do they have to fall to pieces on their own.
It's not up to you to heal every heart that has been undone.
There are hills to climb and crowded streets that have to be walked alone.
Maybe a memo was written in the stars that I just didn't quite understand.
Perhaps I'm supposed to simply stand and watch you disappear into the fading light.
Try as I might it's become clear, it's time I let go of my grip on your hand.
There's a whisper in my mind, you can't save everyone single one.
Sometimes no matter what you do they have to fall to pieces on their own.
It's not up to you to heal every heart that has been undone.
There are hills to climb and crowded streets that have to be walked alone.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Hostile.
If I could write you a bittersweet song, it would be an unpretentious one.
It would start with just three words, ones with which I'd never go wrong.
Let me go, I'd sing, and quit tearing up my life, keeping me from the sun.
I could pray every single minute to a god I'm not sure was ever there all along.
If you won't love me back, why do you keep holding me here?
The air is growing thicker, and my visions not so clear.
I can't keep begging every day for something as simple as a smile.
I can feel my heart burst wide open but you remain so hostile.
You can tell me that you miss me all you fucking want.
That doesn't mean I give a damn, I'm not some bar you like to haunt.
I try to give you everything you could even think to ask for.
It may not mean a thing but loving you is still a chore.
It's safe to say that now's the time, it's better late than never.
I hate to break it to you, but truly I must go.
You thought you had it wrapped up, that you really were that clever.
Except I'm the one that's faced the truth, something you'll never know.
It would start with just three words, ones with which I'd never go wrong.
Let me go, I'd sing, and quit tearing up my life, keeping me from the sun.
I could pray every single minute to a god I'm not sure was ever there all along.
If you won't love me back, why do you keep holding me here?
The air is growing thicker, and my visions not so clear.
I can't keep begging every day for something as simple as a smile.
I can feel my heart burst wide open but you remain so hostile.
You can tell me that you miss me all you fucking want.
That doesn't mean I give a damn, I'm not some bar you like to haunt.
I try to give you everything you could even think to ask for.
It may not mean a thing but loving you is still a chore.
It's safe to say that now's the time, it's better late than never.
I hate to break it to you, but truly I must go.
You thought you had it wrapped up, that you really were that clever.
Except I'm the one that's faced the truth, something you'll never know.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Fake.
Well today is completely uneventful. I got off work twenty minutes after I got there because yet again none of my systems work. This whole situation is frustrating to say the least. Oh well.
Gives me time to post something new even though I don't really think I have anything to say. Except this:
People need to stop pretending to be something they aren't. It is incredibly aggravating when people have to copy others simply because they don't know who they are. I don't have it figured out anymore than others but I've come to accept that. It's not really a big deal anymore. One of these days I'm sure I'll know exactly what I want and I'll have myself figured out. For now though, I don't mind just hanging out in the background keeping a watchful eye on everything around me. I don't keep up with new movies or music, I don't change my wardrobe depending on the current fashion, I'm just who I am. Maybe who I am now is not who I will be years from now but I can assure you I am much happier being who I am right now then trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't know if that's just how some people are though, if they spend their entire lives looking for acceptance from other people. I feel like that is a miserable way to live a life, and what an incredible waste.
Open your eyes and please take a look at the world around you.
Why is that you are so frightened of putting who you really are on display?
You should not feel so compelled to follow suit with what everyone thinks you should do.
Sometimes I feel the declarations coming out of your mouth aren't even words that you would say.
(incomplete.)
Gives me time to post something new even though I don't really think I have anything to say. Except this:
People need to stop pretending to be something they aren't. It is incredibly aggravating when people have to copy others simply because they don't know who they are. I don't have it figured out anymore than others but I've come to accept that. It's not really a big deal anymore. One of these days I'm sure I'll know exactly what I want and I'll have myself figured out. For now though, I don't mind just hanging out in the background keeping a watchful eye on everything around me. I don't keep up with new movies or music, I don't change my wardrobe depending on the current fashion, I'm just who I am. Maybe who I am now is not who I will be years from now but I can assure you I am much happier being who I am right now then trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't know if that's just how some people are though, if they spend their entire lives looking for acceptance from other people. I feel like that is a miserable way to live a life, and what an incredible waste.
Open your eyes and please take a look at the world around you.
Why is that you are so frightened of putting who you really are on display?
You should not feel so compelled to follow suit with what everyone thinks you should do.
Sometimes I feel the declarations coming out of your mouth aren't even words that you would say.
(incomplete.)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Feedback.
I've noticed that I've started to get a lot more readers on my blog. While I appreciate that, you guys feel free to comment with thoughts and questions. Also, go ahead and follow me on here or on Twitter @perri_runlife is you feel like it. Knowing I have people who want to read what I write will keep me posting on a regular basis and posting means practice which means I'll only be able to become a better writer.
I'd love for some feedback of any kind even if it's "cool story, bro".
Even if I don't get any feedback, I still appreciate you guys reading and I'll keep doing what I do.
On that note, remind me somehow that I have to post another short little note that I have in my work notebook. I keep forgetting lately and I think it's half way decent.
Thanks.
P
I'd love for some feedback of any kind even if it's "cool story, bro".
Even if I don't get any feedback, I still appreciate you guys reading and I'll keep doing what I do.
On that note, remind me somehow that I have to post another short little note that I have in my work notebook. I keep forgetting lately and I think it's half way decent.
Thanks.
P
Still.
Every single day I find myself falling a little farther.
Every loving word you say making my heart beat a little harder.
I should have learned by now, you're just a moonlight Casanova.
Time keeps holding me still, all my defenses are simply pushed over.
Why can't we spend our nights merely looking at the stars?
A million miles couldn't keep me away, no absence is too far.
Maybe that is the way of the world, for everyone to keep their distance;
The only ones finding happiness are the ones lousy with persistence.
And if I die trying to wholly win your love,
Time will still hold me here, with you all I can think of.
Every loving word you say making my heart beat a little harder.
I should have learned by now, you're just a moonlight Casanova.
Time keeps holding me still, all my defenses are simply pushed over.
Why can't we spend our nights merely looking at the stars?
A million miles couldn't keep me away, no absence is too far.
Maybe that is the way of the world, for everyone to keep their distance;
The only ones finding happiness are the ones lousy with persistence.
And if I die trying to wholly win your love,
Time will still hold me here, with you all I can think of.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lazy.
Lazy day today. I'm enjoying it. Relaxing and such. I don't think I do enough of that anymore. I'm always doing something or going somewhere. It's tiring.
Decided I need to find some new thrift stores around here. I also need to find someone to go thrifting with. My style is changing again. Oh well. I need new glasses too. I'm apparently blind. I don't even know why I'm bothering with this post.
It's not like I have anything to write about. Or anyone to give advice to. I don't know. Maybe later on today I'll have something interesting to say. That's what life is all about right? Keeping other people's interest. Make up a story, write down a silly rhyme, something to hold their interest. Even just being obnoxious and rude is a way to make people look.
I don't like that. I've relaxed too much in the last year to really care too much what people think. Which doesn't mean I don't think about it at all, because I do. But I used to agonize every day over whether my make up was right and my hair was perfect and my outfit fit me just so. Right now, I have a cow lick sticking up the back of my three inch long hair and no make up on. I'm about to hang out with friends too.
It just doesn't matter anymore. There are so many other important things in the world to focus on.
more later.
Decided I need to find some new thrift stores around here. I also need to find someone to go thrifting with. My style is changing again. Oh well. I need new glasses too. I'm apparently blind. I don't even know why I'm bothering with this post.
It's not like I have anything to write about. Or anyone to give advice to. I don't know. Maybe later on today I'll have something interesting to say. That's what life is all about right? Keeping other people's interest. Make up a story, write down a silly rhyme, something to hold their interest. Even just being obnoxious and rude is a way to make people look.
I don't like that. I've relaxed too much in the last year to really care too much what people think. Which doesn't mean I don't think about it at all, because I do. But I used to agonize every day over whether my make up was right and my hair was perfect and my outfit fit me just so. Right now, I have a cow lick sticking up the back of my three inch long hair and no make up on. I'm about to hang out with friends too.
It just doesn't matter anymore. There are so many other important things in the world to focus on.
more later.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tired.
I'm just so fucking tired. Everyone wants to do so much. I just want to enjoy the next breath I take. Don't people understand how short life can be? Why waste it hating everything you do? I don't surround myself with people anymore. A few stick around just because they like to, and that's enough for me.
I've realized now that it's my responsibility to maintain my happiness and sure as shit I'm not going to let someone take it from me once it has been achieved. I have a blunt attitude. I don't take shit and I'm extremely sarcastic. I'm offensive and a little off putting. I know this. And I simply do not care.
Maybe it's because for 19, I'm jaded. Especially when compared to other people I know. I don't always like to be so cynical. I don't like the word cynical either. I'm not cynical or negative. I'm realistic and logical to a fault.
I work full-time. I like it. I really love having a steady job. It's awesome. It's like people have a hard time adjusting to that fact though and I find myself constantly defending every move I make because So and So wants to talk to me more or somebody wants to hang out. I'm always at the beck and call of other peoples wants and needs. I'm always making sure Random Person A is getting what they need.
No one has ever really given me anything just because when they saw it they thought of me. I want someone to do that. I don't want it to be something you think I need. Or something you think I might want. I want something that reminds you of me every time you look at it.
I want someone that can care about me like that. That's really what I want.
I'm just tired and agitated. Stuck in one of my moods again. I feel like I'm expected to do an unlimited amount of favors for a handshake in return. Where's my hand out? It's funny how all this came about because I thought about how my ears wouldn't itch from a nice pair of earrings. I have the strangest brain sometimes.
Tired though.
I've realized now that it's my responsibility to maintain my happiness and sure as shit I'm not going to let someone take it from me once it has been achieved. I have a blunt attitude. I don't take shit and I'm extremely sarcastic. I'm offensive and a little off putting. I know this. And I simply do not care.
Maybe it's because for 19, I'm jaded. Especially when compared to other people I know. I don't always like to be so cynical. I don't like the word cynical either. I'm not cynical or negative. I'm realistic and logical to a fault.
I work full-time. I like it. I really love having a steady job. It's awesome. It's like people have a hard time adjusting to that fact though and I find myself constantly defending every move I make because So and So wants to talk to me more or somebody wants to hang out. I'm always at the beck and call of other peoples wants and needs. I'm always making sure Random Person A is getting what they need.
No one has ever really given me anything just because when they saw it they thought of me. I want someone to do that. I don't want it to be something you think I need. Or something you think I might want. I want something that reminds you of me every time you look at it.
I want someone that can care about me like that. That's really what I want.
I'm just tired and agitated. Stuck in one of my moods again. I feel like I'm expected to do an unlimited amount of favors for a handshake in return. Where's my hand out? It's funny how all this came about because I thought about how my ears wouldn't itch from a nice pair of earrings. I have the strangest brain sometimes.
Tired though.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Resolutions.
I want to;
Try harder.
Be stronger.
Get smarter.
Run faster.
Live more.
Breath deeper.
Make more money.
Have more patience.
Be respected.
Make the big decisions easier.
Give up less.
Trust more.
Keep more organized.
Let down walls.
Build my self esteem up.
Explore my faith.
Get closer with my friends.
Sever unhealthy relationships permanently.
Avoid people who play games.
Take more pictures.
Make good memories.
Let go of the past.
Be happy.
That last one is whats important. I want to be happy. Its been an extremely long time since I've been legitimately happy. I want to make my life less complicated and be able to breath easier. I want to become more responsible and I want to be given the chances to learn how to do that. I'm going to be eighteen in three months and I want to start getting back on track. But happy, that's what I want the most.
Try harder.
Be stronger.
Get smarter.
Run faster.
Live more.
Breath deeper.
Make more money.
Have more patience.
Be respected.
Make the big decisions easier.
Give up less.
Trust more.
Keep more organized.
Let down walls.
Build my self esteem up.
Explore my faith.
Get closer with my friends.
Sever unhealthy relationships permanently.
Avoid people who play games.
Take more pictures.
Make good memories.
Let go of the past.
Be happy.
That last one is whats important. I want to be happy. Its been an extremely long time since I've been legitimately happy. I want to make my life less complicated and be able to breath easier. I want to become more responsible and I want to be given the chances to learn how to do that. I'm going to be eighteen in three months and I want to start getting back on track. But happy, that's what I want the most.
Walls.
It’s beautiful to look at you early in the morning
The sun shines through and I can’t believe my eyes
I see your loving smile and I’ll say that I’m surprised
It’s so soon into the day for my heart to be soaring
I used to be so afraid of letting someone in my heart
I realized one day the kind of world I was keeping at arms length
Days like this spent in your arms simply keep giving me strength
Seems despite my fears, you pulled my world together, not apart.
Heartbreakingly wonderful, you stepped right past my walls
I fought with myself so hard trying to keep myself away
Looking in your eyes, my mind couldn’t ignore my hearts calls
So fearfully I think of a day when you might not be mine
But with the sun lighting up your ever loving face today,
It is simple for me, with you by my side, to be just fine.
The sun shines through and I can’t believe my eyes
I see your loving smile and I’ll say that I’m surprised
It’s so soon into the day for my heart to be soaring
I used to be so afraid of letting someone in my heart
I realized one day the kind of world I was keeping at arms length
Days like this spent in your arms simply keep giving me strength
Seems despite my fears, you pulled my world together, not apart.
Heartbreakingly wonderful, you stepped right past my walls
I fought with myself so hard trying to keep myself away
Looking in your eyes, my mind couldn’t ignore my hearts calls
So fearfully I think of a day when you might not be mine
But with the sun lighting up your ever loving face today,
It is simple for me, with you by my side, to be just fine.
Laces.
So many people with their heads hanging down.
Keeps getting harder until they're beat to the ground.
Has to be something that puts a smile on their faces.
Need to heal their hearts to get their eyes off their laces.
Everyone needs a little break now and then.
Not easy getting by, things are harder than they've been.
It's like you have to know someone to get in the door.
Well love has a different way of getting you up off the floor.
Maybe it's temporary, this feeling that sets you free.
Could be contrary, doesn't mean it shouldn't be.
Learning to love one another is not as hard as it should seem.
Peace is not something that belongs only in a dream.
Keeps getting harder until they're beat to the ground.
Has to be something that puts a smile on their faces.
Need to heal their hearts to get their eyes off their laces.
Everyone needs a little break now and then.
Not easy getting by, things are harder than they've been.
It's like you have to know someone to get in the door.
Well love has a different way of getting you up off the floor.
Maybe it's temporary, this feeling that sets you free.
Could be contrary, doesn't mean it shouldn't be.
Learning to love one another is not as hard as it should seem.
Peace is not something that belongs only in a dream.
Back.
I hate to ask you not to forget me.
Maybe you could try just to remember.
Take one second, look around, and just breath.
You should know by now, you're everything to me.
Someone told me that they saw you last night,
You looked so lonely standing there in the flashing lights.
Oh, I want so badly for you to come back home.
I know that I don't need you but I don't like it on my own.
Maybe I broke all of my promises.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
But you know I'm still standing here today.
No matter how much you yell and push me away.
You might stay out, try to drink it all down.
Take all the shots you want to take, you'll still want me around.
I want to see you again with a smile on your face.
This house just feels so wrong, come back and take your place.
Maybe you could try just to remember.
Take one second, look around, and just breath.
You should know by now, you're everything to me.
Someone told me that they saw you last night,
You looked so lonely standing there in the flashing lights.
Oh, I want so badly for you to come back home.
I know that I don't need you but I don't like it on my own.
Maybe I broke all of my promises.
Maybe I got it all wrong.
But you know I'm still standing here today.
No matter how much you yell and push me away.
You might stay out, try to drink it all down.
Take all the shots you want to take, you'll still want me around.
I want to see you again with a smile on your face.
This house just feels so wrong, come back and take your place.
Storm.
I'm simple.
19.
Workaholic.
Writer.
Dreamer.
Reader.
Sometimes a believer.
I'm forgetful and I try too hard.
I'm extremely shy but I hide it well.
I often think I'm talentless.
Music has a way of moving my soul.
Drama is something I try desperately to avoid.
I have very little faith in humanity anymore.
Realistic and logical to a fault.
Agonize over decisions often.
Not all that complicated really.
Yet I stand alone in this storm.
19.
Workaholic.
Writer.
Dreamer.
Reader.
Sometimes a believer.
I'm forgetful and I try too hard.
I'm extremely shy but I hide it well.
I often think I'm talentless.
Music has a way of moving my soul.
Drama is something I try desperately to avoid.
I have very little faith in humanity anymore.
Realistic and logical to a fault.
Agonize over decisions often.
Not all that complicated really.
Yet I stand alone in this storm.
Hippie.
I don't understand where the time went. Or where exactly everything started to go wrong. All I know is that this past year has been awful. I stayed in a crap relationship for way too long. I stayed at a job I hated for the same amount of time. I missed my opportunity in the military. I barely graduated, a year late might I add. I'm single now, working at a better job. I can get back into the military direction, and apply for college but it's like I'm stuck standing still. I can't move forward at all, christ, I can't even slip up and fall backwards.
I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm mature, I'm mildly attractive, my parents make sure I have what I need in regards to major things. My life is easy anymore. So why do I keep standing in my way? My past sucked, yeah. So does everyone elses. What makes my life any different? I see all these people moving on, being successful. I'm just sitting here lighting up again enjoying some good music.
It's not that I'm not happy. I just feel...restless. It's like I know something needs to change and it's right there almost within my grasp, but the colors blur outside my fingertips and I don't quite know where to look. I keep meeting people but I don't want anyone to stick around. I cut all my hair off and good lord do I feel unattractive anymore. I want to change so much, in my life and in other peoples lives. Things could be so much better.
Which makes me think of the religion thing, what is wrong with people? Don't you see all we need to do is have faith in something better and just do right and show kindness? Why is it greed has the ability to sway masses and cause so much harm? I sound like a hippie. This is just stupid but I'm so frustrated. I look around and it's like I'm surrounded by people that simply don't give a damn. Kids are having kids, parents don't care. Everyone is violent or poor. This is not a democratic nation and our leaders choose to let us slide further and further into oblivion. We are not some third world country waiting on a hand out but for some reason our population has begun to act like one.
Wake up people. Why can't you see the world is waiting and all you have to do is reach out and have it all? I'm learning how to let go and I see so many people who just bottle it up and explode at others and I can't help but wonder how I'm supposed to get stronger when the world is just hopeless.
I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm mature, I'm mildly attractive, my parents make sure I have what I need in regards to major things. My life is easy anymore. So why do I keep standing in my way? My past sucked, yeah. So does everyone elses. What makes my life any different? I see all these people moving on, being successful. I'm just sitting here lighting up again enjoying some good music.
It's not that I'm not happy. I just feel...restless. It's like I know something needs to change and it's right there almost within my grasp, but the colors blur outside my fingertips and I don't quite know where to look. I keep meeting people but I don't want anyone to stick around. I cut all my hair off and good lord do I feel unattractive anymore. I want to change so much, in my life and in other peoples lives. Things could be so much better.
Which makes me think of the religion thing, what is wrong with people? Don't you see all we need to do is have faith in something better and just do right and show kindness? Why is it greed has the ability to sway masses and cause so much harm? I sound like a hippie. This is just stupid but I'm so frustrated. I look around and it's like I'm surrounded by people that simply don't give a damn. Kids are having kids, parents don't care. Everyone is violent or poor. This is not a democratic nation and our leaders choose to let us slide further and further into oblivion. We are not some third world country waiting on a hand out but for some reason our population has begun to act like one.
Wake up people. Why can't you see the world is waiting and all you have to do is reach out and have it all? I'm learning how to let go and I see so many people who just bottle it up and explode at others and I can't help but wonder how I'm supposed to get stronger when the world is just hopeless.
Protection.
Please come hold me.
Protect me from the demons of the world.
Stay with me until the end of time.
I want to feel the warmth of your hand in mine.
Please just touch me.
The feel of your lips on mine has me teeming.
Don't ever stray all that far from home.
You always should remember your heart wherever you roam.
Protect me from the demons of the world.
Stay with me until the end of time.
I want to feel the warmth of your hand in mine.
Please just touch me.
The feel of your lips on mine has me teeming.
Don't ever stray all that far from home.
You always should remember your heart wherever you roam.
Burning.
Burning brightly into the night we're like a fire no one dares to extinguish
Such a beautiful break from the all the worlds hurt and anguish
You are like a song I can't help but keep on repeat
I know its cliche but you've got a smile that knocks me off my feet
Maybe its silly, or even a little bit sad
But that look in your eye got ahold of my heart bad
You're the kind I want to kiss all night in the pouring rain
Even a simple thing like your hand in mine can drive away any pain
Such a beautiful break from the all the worlds hurt and anguish
You are like a song I can't help but keep on repeat
I know its cliche but you've got a smile that knocks me off my feet
Maybe its silly, or even a little bit sad
But that look in your eye got ahold of my heart bad
You're the kind I want to kiss all night in the pouring rain
Even a simple thing like your hand in mine can drive away any pain
Criminal.
Its funny you don't see it, just what is standing there.
You tell me that you mean it, why have I lost my air?
Running away like I'm a criminal escaping to the streets.
Something must've gone wrong, maybe our song skipped a couple beats.
I warned you of your power, now I'm standin' here in the dark.
You knew what you could do to me, you still tore me all apart.
I watched your eyes go cold and felt you pull away.
I'll just sit right here, unsure of the words to say.
Where do you to when you have to step back from wonderful?
How do you cope when you've seen what could be, it's beautiful.
What do I gotta do to take the fear from your soul?
Show me the road I gotta take to make you whole.
Right now, watching you, waiting to know if I should go.
Not sure what happened here but I feel so hollow.
Used to love to watch your eyes light up with a smile.
You have a way about you, made me feel more than I've felt in quite awhile.
Looks like our fire burned a little too brightly.
Maybe we shouldn't have held on so tightly.
Couldn't get enough of every morning waking to your face.
Wish there had been some kind of warning, something was out of place.
You're the race everybody wants to win.
That gold medals a symbol of the joy you bring.
I had you but you'll be gone by July.
Let me stick around, I know we can reach the sky.
Whether you're here or not when the leaves turn in the fall,
I'll still be waiting if you should decide to call.
You tell me that you mean it, why have I lost my air?
Running away like I'm a criminal escaping to the streets.
Something must've gone wrong, maybe our song skipped a couple beats.
I warned you of your power, now I'm standin' here in the dark.
You knew what you could do to me, you still tore me all apart.
I watched your eyes go cold and felt you pull away.
I'll just sit right here, unsure of the words to say.
Where do you to when you have to step back from wonderful?
How do you cope when you've seen what could be, it's beautiful.
What do I gotta do to take the fear from your soul?
Show me the road I gotta take to make you whole.
Right now, watching you, waiting to know if I should go.
Not sure what happened here but I feel so hollow.
Used to love to watch your eyes light up with a smile.
You have a way about you, made me feel more than I've felt in quite awhile.
Looks like our fire burned a little too brightly.
Maybe we shouldn't have held on so tightly.
Couldn't get enough of every morning waking to your face.
Wish there had been some kind of warning, something was out of place.
You're the race everybody wants to win.
That gold medals a symbol of the joy you bring.
I had you but you'll be gone by July.
Let me stick around, I know we can reach the sky.
Whether you're here or not when the leaves turn in the fall,
I'll still be waiting if you should decide to call.
Alright.
People come and people go.
Sometimes life moves so fast its hard to know,
What to do at a crossroads all alone.
Sitting here with you, I feel at home.
For the first time, I'm unafraid.
I've let my walls come down despite what they say.
Looking at you under this starry sky,
I can't help but love the way the moon shines in your eyes.
So many have made promises they never meant to keep,
Been broken down so many times, no wonder I can't sleep.
Feels like the world stops spinning and I run right out of air.
Hearts beating a mile a minute just seeing you standing there.
Can't wait to be back in your arms, get as close as I can be.
Such a shame I can't put into words what I think of you and me.
Each night I dream of what I'm living.
How lucky can one be to deserve what I'm given.
Mistakes will be made and people will fall.
I'm unafraid, we can get through it all. Feels like part of me is missing, other half is still around.
But when its you I'm kissing, can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.
Maybe we should take a break and walk away.
Getting in too deep, need to know that that's okay.
Won't you hold me a little closer tonight?
Remind me things will all work out alright.
Sometimes life moves so fast its hard to know,
What to do at a crossroads all alone.
Sitting here with you, I feel at home.
For the first time, I'm unafraid.
I've let my walls come down despite what they say.
Looking at you under this starry sky,
I can't help but love the way the moon shines in your eyes.
So many have made promises they never meant to keep,
Been broken down so many times, no wonder I can't sleep.
Feels like the world stops spinning and I run right out of air.
Hearts beating a mile a minute just seeing you standing there.
Can't wait to be back in your arms, get as close as I can be.
Such a shame I can't put into words what I think of you and me.
Each night I dream of what I'm living.
How lucky can one be to deserve what I'm given.
Mistakes will be made and people will fall.
I'm unafraid, we can get through it all. Feels like part of me is missing, other half is still around.
But when its you I'm kissing, can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.
Maybe we should take a break and walk away.
Getting in too deep, need to know that that's okay.
Won't you hold me a little closer tonight?
Remind me things will all work out alright.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wrong.
I hate when I go on these rants where all I do is complain. It makes me feel so immature and self centered. There are so many other things going on in the world. Why do I feel the need to take up space on the internet with my stupid drivel?
Because I can.
"I got a right to be wrong." That's a damn good reason to me. I don't really have any one else to turn to. I'm not exactly the best at expressing myself to others. I've figured out though, that it's okay to not be surrounded by "friends" constantly. I do not have to have a million people in my life attempting to help me succeed. The only person that's going to see success is me, so obviously I am the only one that can achieve that success.
I have a ton of things I want. I would love to know who I'm going to marry, whether or not I'm going to have children, what career path I'm going to choose, how I'm going to get there, shit, I'd just like to know what it is I'm going to wear tomorrow. But I don't. And I can't.
That's okay.
No one seems to understand that honestly, with enough patience everything will be just fine. I've been in such weird moods lately. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm up and down worse than a roller coaster. I feel like I'm making so much progress though. I'm completely convinced I have the ability to achieve whatever I want. Even if all I want to do is chain smoke and write a novel. Or come up with a brand new way to treat PTSD. Maybe I should just sit back and roll with the punches. I think if I just take a break, come up for air for a little while, things will be more clear.
I get scared thinking about all the decisions I'm going to have to make soon. Everyone gets scared right? Because I feel like if people aren't afraid of making decisions that will change the rest of their lives, they really aren't thinking things through.
It makes me laugh the way my thoughts bounce around like this. I get tired and I hear a song that makes me think and I just start going. No rhyme or reason to anything. It's not like anyone will ever read this anyway and give me any feedback.
What do I care?
I need a better job. I need to focus on school and really get shit done. I need to get as far away from this town as possible and just let go of everything. I'm such a contradiction to myself. All I want to do is leave but I will buy a 2 year gym membership. Someone told me earlier that was quite the commitment to make. No kidding. A stupid one at that. Hundreds of dollars to spend on something I don't particularly think I'll be using awhile from now. I like the idea of committing to something though. No one can commit to me and no one can respect my commitments. So I'll commit to something no one has anything to do with but me.
"Whatever's out there waiting for me, I'm gonna face it willingly."
That's a damn good line; A damn good way to end this too.
Because I can.
"I got a right to be wrong." That's a damn good reason to me. I don't really have any one else to turn to. I'm not exactly the best at expressing myself to others. I've figured out though, that it's okay to not be surrounded by "friends" constantly. I do not have to have a million people in my life attempting to help me succeed. The only person that's going to see success is me, so obviously I am the only one that can achieve that success.
I have a ton of things I want. I would love to know who I'm going to marry, whether or not I'm going to have children, what career path I'm going to choose, how I'm going to get there, shit, I'd just like to know what it is I'm going to wear tomorrow. But I don't. And I can't.
That's okay.
No one seems to understand that honestly, with enough patience everything will be just fine. I've been in such weird moods lately. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm up and down worse than a roller coaster. I feel like I'm making so much progress though. I'm completely convinced I have the ability to achieve whatever I want. Even if all I want to do is chain smoke and write a novel. Or come up with a brand new way to treat PTSD. Maybe I should just sit back and roll with the punches. I think if I just take a break, come up for air for a little while, things will be more clear.
I get scared thinking about all the decisions I'm going to have to make soon. Everyone gets scared right? Because I feel like if people aren't afraid of making decisions that will change the rest of their lives, they really aren't thinking things through.
It makes me laugh the way my thoughts bounce around like this. I get tired and I hear a song that makes me think and I just start going. No rhyme or reason to anything. It's not like anyone will ever read this anyway and give me any feedback.
What do I care?
I need a better job. I need to focus on school and really get shit done. I need to get as far away from this town as possible and just let go of everything. I'm such a contradiction to myself. All I want to do is leave but I will buy a 2 year gym membership. Someone told me earlier that was quite the commitment to make. No kidding. A stupid one at that. Hundreds of dollars to spend on something I don't particularly think I'll be using awhile from now. I like the idea of committing to something though. No one can commit to me and no one can respect my commitments. So I'll commit to something no one has anything to do with but me.
"Whatever's out there waiting for me, I'm gonna face it willingly."
That's a damn good line; A damn good way to end this too.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Nothing.
That is what I feel like. Absolutely nothing. Not even a breath of air. I don't know when it happened but I've become a stranger to myself. It's like I'm unable to make decisions anymore. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, I simply don't make a choice at all.
Some days I want to just take off and disappear. Come back to this town a few years from now, see how things have changed. Today is one of those days. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on, someone show me the exit please. I feel like I can't even write in complete sentences right now. My thoughts are in a million different places all at once.
How can so much time not even matter? What is a person supposed to do when they are faced with so many choices? I'm fairly certain the path I would like to take. I just don't want to go that way alone. I'm scared it's the only way though. It seems that no one in my life wants what I want. Maybe that's my fault. I really should just disappear and do what it is I feel like I need to do. It will be incredibly difficult doing it on my own sure, but it will be done. After that maybe someone will be able to be supportive of what I think I need.
I'm incredibly tired of feeling like this though. I want to be happy and joyful and elated and fun for longer than a few hours again. I want to wake up with a smile on my face again. I think maybe I need to start going back to church. Maybe that's the problem? Or maybe I'm the problem? If I'm the problem then I'm obviously the solution too. Maybe I should just stop standing in my own way and just be.
I wonder what that would be like. I'm like a hurricane. Periods of calm, the rest of the time destroying whatever comes in my path. I hate that I do that to everything. Only one person has ever fought the storm and won. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. For trying to walk away from the one person who never gave up. I can't believe I've been so blind.
Some days I want to just take off and disappear. Come back to this town a few years from now, see how things have changed. Today is one of those days. Emotional roller coaster is what I'm on, someone show me the exit please. I feel like I can't even write in complete sentences right now. My thoughts are in a million different places all at once.
How can so much time not even matter? What is a person supposed to do when they are faced with so many choices? I'm fairly certain the path I would like to take. I just don't want to go that way alone. I'm scared it's the only way though. It seems that no one in my life wants what I want. Maybe that's my fault. I really should just disappear and do what it is I feel like I need to do. It will be incredibly difficult doing it on my own sure, but it will be done. After that maybe someone will be able to be supportive of what I think I need.
I'm incredibly tired of feeling like this though. I want to be happy and joyful and elated and fun for longer than a few hours again. I want to wake up with a smile on my face again. I think maybe I need to start going back to church. Maybe that's the problem? Or maybe I'm the problem? If I'm the problem then I'm obviously the solution too. Maybe I should just stop standing in my own way and just be.
I wonder what that would be like. I'm like a hurricane. Periods of calm, the rest of the time destroying whatever comes in my path. I hate that I do that to everything. Only one person has ever fought the storm and won. I'm stupid for not realizing it sooner. For trying to walk away from the one person who never gave up. I can't believe I've been so blind.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Much.
January 21, 2011.
I think it's time I start writing again. It's been an awfully long time since I've picked up a pen. (This entry comes from the journal I keep at my side.) Maybe I've been afraid of seeing what I have to say. No one really ever was a big fan of listening.
Too busy judging me to care.
Everyone is so ready to tell me can't, won't, and shouldn't. I wish they would just shut up and listen to what I can, will, and should. Just listen to me for once. I'm totally capable of being happy when people aren't trying to tell me how to do that. I am strong, well-rounded, and successful. How about everyone just leave me be for awhile. Let me decide what will make my life better.
When I write like this, I understand why my Aunt Sharon wrote too. She spent her whole life simply looking for someone who loved her just as she was. Someone who made her better than her troubled, scared self. I get it.
That's all I ask for. I want someone to learn my deepest secrets and fears and just stay. Don't run away scared because of how much of a burden I carry. I'm not asking for someone to shoulder it for me or even help me to keep it from dragging me to the ground. I just want someone to believe I can carry it until I reach a place I can just set it down and walk away from it. Just help me believe things will be okay. That's all I need. I don't like the way I make my capital T's. (I write in cursive.) I'm always testing new ways to write that I might like. I feel like my handwriting should be similar to me. I guess it does for the most part. Even those ugly T's.
There's so much more to me than I know how to verbalize. I'm always thinking. I don't know how people don't see it in my eyes. Maybe they can. Maybe that's why people think they can use me. This feels silly to say, but why can't someone see who I really am? I'm beautiful and strong. I'm a good friend. I'm quirky and full of oddities. Sometimes I talk weird. I expect a lot out of people. Maybe too much, but never more than I expect from myself. I'm scared of my future. I have a hard time crying about the things I should be able to cry about. I have a lot of stupid fears. I write a lot of blogs but I also try to keep a semi-regular journal. (Which ends up in my blogs anyway.)
I really just want to cry. I feel like I would feel so much better if I could just get the stupid tears to fall. I need a short break from being strong and patient and quietly hurting. I need a time out from rescuing everyone else. Someone out there believes in me right? They think I can succeed don't they? They don't think I'm a failure from the start right? That no matter what I do, I'll always be a loser. I'm not a loser am I? I think there is just too much of me for anyone to figure out right now.
I think it's time I start writing again. It's been an awfully long time since I've picked up a pen. (This entry comes from the journal I keep at my side.) Maybe I've been afraid of seeing what I have to say. No one really ever was a big fan of listening.
Too busy judging me to care.
Everyone is so ready to tell me can't, won't, and shouldn't. I wish they would just shut up and listen to what I can, will, and should. Just listen to me for once. I'm totally capable of being happy when people aren't trying to tell me how to do that. I am strong, well-rounded, and successful. How about everyone just leave me be for awhile. Let me decide what will make my life better.
When I write like this, I understand why my Aunt Sharon wrote too. She spent her whole life simply looking for someone who loved her just as she was. Someone who made her better than her troubled, scared self. I get it.
That's all I ask for. I want someone to learn my deepest secrets and fears and just stay. Don't run away scared because of how much of a burden I carry. I'm not asking for someone to shoulder it for me or even help me to keep it from dragging me to the ground. I just want someone to believe I can carry it until I reach a place I can just set it down and walk away from it. Just help me believe things will be okay. That's all I need. I don't like the way I make my capital T's. (I write in cursive.) I'm always testing new ways to write that I might like. I feel like my handwriting should be similar to me. I guess it does for the most part. Even those ugly T's.
There's so much more to me than I know how to verbalize. I'm always thinking. I don't know how people don't see it in my eyes. Maybe they can. Maybe that's why people think they can use me. This feels silly to say, but why can't someone see who I really am? I'm beautiful and strong. I'm a good friend. I'm quirky and full of oddities. Sometimes I talk weird. I expect a lot out of people. Maybe too much, but never more than I expect from myself. I'm scared of my future. I have a hard time crying about the things I should be able to cry about. I have a lot of stupid fears. I write a lot of blogs but I also try to keep a semi-regular journal. (Which ends up in my blogs anyway.)
I really just want to cry. I feel like I would feel so much better if I could just get the stupid tears to fall. I need a short break from being strong and patient and quietly hurting. I need a time out from rescuing everyone else. Someone out there believes in me right? They think I can succeed don't they? They don't think I'm a failure from the start right? That no matter what I do, I'll always be a loser. I'm not a loser am I? I think there is just too much of me for anyone to figure out right now.
20100622
Can I just start over?
How does a person learn to make sacrifices to make a relationship work? What happens when two people are very stubborn? When we both need to be right? I guess I should start learning how to pick my battles. I hate these fights. They are so pointless. We just get mad at each other for no reason. I want us to get better. There has to be a way to work out an easy, stead relationship. I don't like the anger. We need to learn how to get along. He tries to make it up to me by being silly and talking like a little kid, while it's cute and makes me smile; I don't like that we have to be so argumentative. It's just disappointing that for nearly four months we didn't argue at all and now that's all we do. I know relationships are hard work but are they supposed to be this difficult?
The closer I get to basic, (wow, this is an old entry) the more afraid I get. I need some guidance of some sort. I don't know who to talk to or where to turn. I need a break. I'm afraid to finish school because finishing is going to mean moving on to another step of my life and that is incredibly intimidating to me. It feels like every step I take forward, I try to push myself backwards twice as far. Oh well. I guess I can try and work it out on my own.
How does a person learn to make sacrifices to make a relationship work? What happens when two people are very stubborn? When we both need to be right? I guess I should start learning how to pick my battles. I hate these fights. They are so pointless. We just get mad at each other for no reason. I want us to get better. There has to be a way to work out an easy, stead relationship. I don't like the anger. We need to learn how to get along. He tries to make it up to me by being silly and talking like a little kid, while it's cute and makes me smile; I don't like that we have to be so argumentative. It's just disappointing that for nearly four months we didn't argue at all and now that's all we do. I know relationships are hard work but are they supposed to be this difficult?
The closer I get to basic, (wow, this is an old entry) the more afraid I get. I need some guidance of some sort. I don't know who to talk to or where to turn. I need a break. I'm afraid to finish school because finishing is going to mean moving on to another step of my life and that is incredibly intimidating to me. It feels like every step I take forward, I try to push myself backwards twice as far. Oh well. I guess I can try and work it out on my own.
Paint.
"Let's just enjoy the make believe for awhile."
It's funny how easily things get more complicated than you could ever imagine.
Take people for instance. We start out so simple, so free. Yet time and trials go by and we end up unhappy, twisted, and unrecognizable from what we were at the beginning.
Why is it exactly everything has to be so difficult? Are we incapable of simply enjoying life for what it is?
"Paint me a picture lady. Full of love and your dreams."
I don't like having to look so hard to find happiness anymore. I want to help people show me their joy. I don't want to fix your troubles or try to erase your past. I just want to encourage people to love and be loved.
"The key to change is letting go of fear."
It's incredible how fear can take total control of a person's life. I speak from experience when I say that fear is a much stronger emotion than anyone truly realizes. Once you learn to step out of that darkness though, man are things different. Life is such a beautiful thing.
It's funny how easily things get more complicated than you could ever imagine.
Take people for instance. We start out so simple, so free. Yet time and trials go by and we end up unhappy, twisted, and unrecognizable from what we were at the beginning.
Why is it exactly everything has to be so difficult? Are we incapable of simply enjoying life for what it is?
"Paint me a picture lady. Full of love and your dreams."
I don't like having to look so hard to find happiness anymore. I want to help people show me their joy. I don't want to fix your troubles or try to erase your past. I just want to encourage people to love and be loved.
"The key to change is letting go of fear."
It's incredible how fear can take total control of a person's life. I speak from experience when I say that fear is a much stronger emotion than anyone truly realizes. Once you learn to step out of that darkness though, man are things different. Life is such a beautiful thing.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Special.
It is as simple as this.
You are a human.
One of billions.
Everyone is searching for the same thing ultimately.
Everyone reaches lows.
Everyone has high points too.
Any person at any time can decide to be cruel and hateful.
That is common.
It is also common for a person to be fearful and cautious instead of diving headfirst into the risk.
It is very uncommon for a person to be kind and honest and balance risk with caution.
A person that can do that.
That person is special.
You.
You are not.
You are unimportant in the grand scheme of things until you do something that makes you unimportant.Everyone in the world is an undiscovered star. Everyone has a talent. Everyone has something in their lives they will do.
Being self important is simply being stupid.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Old Posts Pt. 10
November 24th, 2010.
I'm a bad girlfriend. I lied. I cheated. I took advantage of people. I made a mockery of something that should have been taken seriously. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, especially not with the person who I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, I'm 18, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah. You know what I say to people who say that? Fuck you and fuck your opinion. This is the first time that the thought of losing a person has ever made me beg. I honestly can't stop crying. And it's not the tears quietly rolling down my face kind of crying. It's the body shaking kind of sobbing that scares me.
It's not in my nature to care like this. Those that have been around long enough, you know that. But it is my nature to destroy the things that mean the most to me. Why do you think I haven't graduated yet? Why do you think I haven't confronted the people that deserve to be confronted? I was afraid. But not anymore. If fear can take my whole future away from in an instant, I don't want it. I'm done being afraid. So in the next few weeks, I'll probably lose my car and my house. But I don't care. I'm a human. I need to start acting like one.
I'm tired. Being a fuck up doesn't work for me anymore. I prayed last night. I prayed for a long time to someone I wasn't even sure existed when I started praying. I was begging for the strength to let go of the things I was letting hold me back. I was begging for forgiveness from the person I don't deserve forgiveness from. I made a fool of him. I never had the right to do that. But in the midst of my prayer, I felt suddenly like all the burdens I'd been carrying had just been stripped away from me. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just hope that someone existed that could end my suffering.
I reached the lowest of lows last night. Now it's time to get up off my knees and respect myself. Respect the people in my life. The ones that matter. I'm not dolling out respect and forgiveness to just anyone anymore. I have very few people in my life who I respect and I've done a terrible job of acting like it. I had to have control over everything. If I was miserable, everyone else should be miserable. Just because my life wasn't fair for awhile doesn't mean I have the right to be a piece of shit. I'm done with the excuses. Last night showed me where excuses got me. Fuck. That.
I deleted the email accounts I could, hid the ones I couldn't. Deleted my myspace account and I'm about to deactivate facebook after 24 hours of this note being posted. I'm changing my number today too. So that way all of the idiots that keep my number for years can just leave me alone. I know that someone out there can learn from my mistakes. Please god if you're the person heading the way I was heading, stop now. Turn around. Cancel your plans. Just pray. And move on. Life isn't about suffering. Life is about being a real person and being strong and caring and respectful and loving and faithful. It's time I be all those things. I refuse to let any part of my past stop me anymore.
I'm so ready to go.
I'm a bad girlfriend. I lied. I cheated. I took advantage of people. I made a mockery of something that should have been taken seriously. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, especially not with the person who I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, I'm 18, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah blah blah. You know what I say to people who say that? Fuck you and fuck your opinion. This is the first time that the thought of losing a person has ever made me beg. I honestly can't stop crying. And it's not the tears quietly rolling down my face kind of crying. It's the body shaking kind of sobbing that scares me.
It's not in my nature to care like this. Those that have been around long enough, you know that. But it is my nature to destroy the things that mean the most to me. Why do you think I haven't graduated yet? Why do you think I haven't confronted the people that deserve to be confronted? I was afraid. But not anymore. If fear can take my whole future away from in an instant, I don't want it. I'm done being afraid. So in the next few weeks, I'll probably lose my car and my house. But I don't care. I'm a human. I need to start acting like one.
I'm tired. Being a fuck up doesn't work for me anymore. I prayed last night. I prayed for a long time to someone I wasn't even sure existed when I started praying. I was begging for the strength to let go of the things I was letting hold me back. I was begging for forgiveness from the person I don't deserve forgiveness from. I made a fool of him. I never had the right to do that. But in the midst of my prayer, I felt suddenly like all the burdens I'd been carrying had just been stripped away from me. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just hope that someone existed that could end my suffering.
I reached the lowest of lows last night. Now it's time to get up off my knees and respect myself. Respect the people in my life. The ones that matter. I'm not dolling out respect and forgiveness to just anyone anymore. I have very few people in my life who I respect and I've done a terrible job of acting like it. I had to have control over everything. If I was miserable, everyone else should be miserable. Just because my life wasn't fair for awhile doesn't mean I have the right to be a piece of shit. I'm done with the excuses. Last night showed me where excuses got me. Fuck. That.
I deleted the email accounts I could, hid the ones I couldn't. Deleted my myspace account and I'm about to deactivate facebook after 24 hours of this note being posted. I'm changing my number today too. So that way all of the idiots that keep my number for years can just leave me alone. I know that someone out there can learn from my mistakes. Please god if you're the person heading the way I was heading, stop now. Turn around. Cancel your plans. Just pray. And move on. Life isn't about suffering. Life is about being a real person and being strong and caring and respectful and loving and faithful. It's time I be all those things. I refuse to let any part of my past stop me anymore.
I'm so ready to go.
Old Posts Pt. 9
September 16th, 2009.
I've made a lot of stupid decisions in the last few months. I got in over my head with a guy who doesn't deserve me. I let thatguy interfere with my relationship with each of my parents and I lost some very close friends because they lost all respect for me because of my actions. I was kicked out twice, decided I didn't need a job, that I didn't need friends or family, that I didn't need anything. I became selfish, disrespectful, and rude. I got lazy and crude. I don't know why I started acting like this. I guess I could make excuses for myself but what's the point? What good does it do?
Where do I begin?
I've made a lot of stupid decisions in the last few months. I got in over my head with a guy who doesn't deserve me. I let that
So I admit to these faults and now where do I go? What do I do differently? What do I do to stop myself from repeating this cycle? I know, those of you reading are saying just stop doing it. Think of it like a meth addict, that's how me and these destructive decisions get along. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself I don't deserve anything so each time I take a step forward, I make sure I take at least two steps back. That's how I've trained myself to survive. It's not healthy. I don't like it. So go get therapy? Tried it. Won't work. Not for me. Too independent to do things like that. For some reason, I just have to do things on my own.
Everyone says I've changed. I simply hate what I've become. I don't know if it's different. Am I doing better because I'm recognizing what I'm doing wrong? Admitting there's a problem. Isn't that the first step of AA or something? I don't know what to think. More like, I don't know how to think. For myself that is. Everyone used to see me as selfish because of the way I hurt people. I never tried to hurt people. It happened because I was so busy trying to make everyone happy that I hurt them all instead.
Maybe I realized that I need to make myself happy first before I can make anyone else happy. But how do I do that.
Where do I begin?
Old Posts Pt. 8
March 25th, 2010.
Tattoos and piercings. The opportunity to express myself. I want to be respected. I want people to look at me and see me as someone smart, pretty, witty, goal oriented, mature, responsible, innocent, strong, and fearless. I am these things. Sometimes. I'm tired of having so many different sides of me, so many different aspects to my personality that I'm afraid to mold into one person.
I deserve this don't I? I don't understand where my head and heart went wrong. Why do I see myself so low? People tell me I'm beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc and I just don't see it. I look in the mirror and see all these things I would give anything to change and fix and replace.
How is it life can make a person hate themselves? Nobody deserves to feel like that but when you feel it yourself? You blame yourself. It's like no matter how little control you had over a situation, it's still your fault. Does anyone know what I mean?
Excuse me for thinking aloud, or rather in type. I just have too many thoughts in my head sometimes and I need a release. I know I need to change things. I know I need to start with myself but I don't know how. I know that the only way to get people to respect me is to respect myself and love myself and blah blah blah but do people really do that? I don't think I've ever met someone with genuine self confidence. So if that's the case, if it doesn't exist, how do we pretend well enough to get that reputation?
Does everyone base their decisions on other people? Who is able to make choices for their lives just for them? I know exactly the ink that I want and the piercings I want and I know how I want to dress and I know the person I want to be and I know where I want to go and I know what I want to accomplish but I'm so afraid of judgement that I can't go through with what I want.
I want to feel beautiful and strong like some people see me but I don't know how to do that. My brain just came sliding to a stop. Guess I'm done for tonight.
Tattoos and piercings. The opportunity to express myself. I want to be respected. I want people to look at me and see me as someone smart, pretty, witty, goal oriented, mature, responsible, innocent, strong, and fearless. I am these things. Sometimes. I'm tired of having so many different sides of me, so many different aspects to my personality that I'm afraid to mold into one person.
I deserve this don't I? I don't understand where my head and heart went wrong. Why do I see myself so low? People tell me I'm beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc and I just don't see it. I look in the mirror and see all these things I would give anything to change and fix and replace.
How is it life can make a person hate themselves? Nobody deserves to feel like that but when you feel it yourself? You blame yourself. It's like no matter how little control you had over a situation, it's still your fault. Does anyone know what I mean?
Excuse me for thinking aloud, or rather in type. I just have too many thoughts in my head sometimes and I need a release. I know I need to change things. I know I need to start with myself but I don't know how. I know that the only way to get people to respect me is to respect myself and love myself and blah blah blah but do people really do that? I don't think I've ever met someone with genuine self confidence. So if that's the case, if it doesn't exist, how do we pretend well enough to get that reputation?
Does everyone base their decisions on other people? Who is able to make choices for their lives just for them? I know exactly the ink that I want and the piercings I want and I know how I want to dress and I know the person I want to be and I know where I want to go and I know what I want to accomplish but I'm so afraid of judgement that I can't go through with what I want.
I want to feel beautiful and strong like some people see me but I don't know how to do that. My brain just came sliding to a stop. Guess I'm done for tonight.
Old Posts Pt. 7
January 23rd, 2010.
"Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."
I'm tired, exhausted, broken.
I quit, give up, give in.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep up the fight. I don't have anything left.
Not a drop of soul left to give. Hearts gone too. "No one really ever wins."
I want more love. I'm saying so damn it. So where is it?
Why can't I have it? Why won't anyone stay awhile? When did I become what I am?
How did I drift away to nothing? Why is it I'm always alone? What the hell did I do wrong?
I'm nothing, invisible, broken.
Like a lost toy. Easily replaced. Easily forgotten.
I'm sick of being replaceable. I'm done with being easily forgotten. I'm done with it all.
No more games. No more arguments. No more walking away.
Stop saying good bye. Stop saying I'm sorry. Stop saying things will get better.
Tired. Shattered. Broken.
Just stay. Don't leave. Sit still.
Life is a record player on repeat. The CD needs to skip. Put a scratch in it.
I need a break. I need to take a second. I need to get some air.
There's a whole in my chest. It's sucking every last bit of me out. Throwing it all away.
Stop fighting. Stop screaming. Stop breaking.
Feeling sick again. Pain in my head. Losing control all over again.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Who am I? Where did I go? Why did I leave?
Things are always changing. Everything is just going through the motions though. On repeat.
I want to skip this verse. Jump ahead a few chapters. Throw away the unnecessary parts.
Fix it. Get it right. No more breaking.
I don't have regrets. I don't have the chance to live to have regrets. I don't get the opportunity to really screw up.
Took away my choices. Left me with a path I don't want to be on. Telling me what to do.
You don't know what to tell me. You don't have the words I need. You aren't what I need.
Stop it. Stop saying sorry. Stop pretending to know what this is.
I hate the cliches. I hate the stupid love stories. I hate the make believe.
Real love is messy. Love is hard work. Love is fixing the broken.
Life doesn't fall into place. Life doesn't slow down enough to fall anywhere. Life isn't affected by gravity.
Time to take the risk. Time to make some decisions. Time to go out on a limb.
I want to reach the tip of the moon. I want to float along the bottom of the ocean. I want to taste the sunrise.
Every part of the world. Make it a part of me. Shrink it down and make it a soul for me.
That's what I'll do. That's what I need. That soul thing.
It was stolen. Everything mine was stolen. No more stealing.
Realize what you deserve. Reach for what you dream. Fight against the odds.
My turn now. I waited for it. I dreamed about it.
History repeats itself. Shake the record player. Make history skip a few notes.
One shake is enough to change it. One step forward. One step further.
No more half-way. No more almost made it. No more could have tried harder.
Broke down. Fell apart. Lost control.
Came out stronger. Pushed a little harder. Got a little further.
Breaking. Broken. But better.
"Watch my face, as I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain."
I'm tired, exhausted, broken.
I quit, give up, give in.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep up the fight. I don't have anything left.
Not a drop of soul left to give. Hearts gone too. "No one really ever wins."
I want more love. I'm saying so damn it. So where is it?
Why can't I have it? Why won't anyone stay awhile? When did I become what I am?
How did I drift away to nothing? Why is it I'm always alone? What the hell did I do wrong?
I'm nothing, invisible, broken.
Like a lost toy. Easily replaced. Easily forgotten.
I'm sick of being replaceable. I'm done with being easily forgotten. I'm done with it all.
No more games. No more arguments. No more walking away.
Stop saying good bye. Stop saying I'm sorry. Stop saying things will get better.
Tired. Shattered. Broken.
Just stay. Don't leave. Sit still.
Life is a record player on repeat. The CD needs to skip. Put a scratch in it.
I need a break. I need to take a second. I need to get some air.
There's a whole in my chest. It's sucking every last bit of me out. Throwing it all away.
Stop fighting. Stop screaming. Stop breaking.
Feeling sick again. Pain in my head. Losing control all over again.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Who am I? Where did I go? Why did I leave?
Things are always changing. Everything is just going through the motions though. On repeat.
I want to skip this verse. Jump ahead a few chapters. Throw away the unnecessary parts.
Fix it. Get it right. No more breaking.
I don't have regrets. I don't have the chance to live to have regrets. I don't get the opportunity to really screw up.
Took away my choices. Left me with a path I don't want to be on. Telling me what to do.
You don't know what to tell me. You don't have the words I need. You aren't what I need.
Stop it. Stop saying sorry. Stop pretending to know what this is.
I hate the cliches. I hate the stupid love stories. I hate the make believe.
Real love is messy. Love is hard work. Love is fixing the broken.
Life doesn't fall into place. Life doesn't slow down enough to fall anywhere. Life isn't affected by gravity.
Time to take the risk. Time to make some decisions. Time to go out on a limb.
I want to reach the tip of the moon. I want to float along the bottom of the ocean. I want to taste the sunrise.
Every part of the world. Make it a part of me. Shrink it down and make it a soul for me.
That's what I'll do. That's what I need. That soul thing.
It was stolen. Everything mine was stolen. No more stealing.
Realize what you deserve. Reach for what you dream. Fight against the odds.
My turn now. I waited for it. I dreamed about it.
History repeats itself. Shake the record player. Make history skip a few notes.
One shake is enough to change it. One step forward. One step further.
No more half-way. No more almost made it. No more could have tried harder.
Broke down. Fell apart. Lost control.
Came out stronger. Pushed a little harder. Got a little further.
Breaking. Broken. But better.
Old Posts Pt. 6
December 8th, 2009.
I was speaking with a friend of mine earlier. I was trying to get his assistance in generating some traffic on here and he couldn't seem to understand why after having read over the page. While it seems that it's just me having a lot of personal experiences and just talking about those things and my feelings, it's more than that. I want to connect with people. I want to learn about other peoples lives.
I'm too young to have experienced everything and I may never get around to experiencing everything so maybe I can't do it first hand but I can live vicariously through others. I want to share smiles with strangers and joyful days. I also want to be able to feel other peoples pain and learn from their mistakes too. It seems so far, trying to do it all on my own I haven't accomplished much. So I guess what I want from this, what I want from blog traffic and posting the bs that happens day to day is connections. I haven't been able to feel emotions for very long and now that I can, I want to feel as many as I can. Let's do something about this.
I was speaking with a friend of mine earlier. I was trying to get his assistance in generating some traffic on here and he couldn't seem to understand why after having read over the page. While it seems that it's just me having a lot of personal experiences and just talking about those things and my feelings, it's more than that. I want to connect with people. I want to learn about other peoples lives.
I'm too young to have experienced everything and I may never get around to experiencing everything so maybe I can't do it first hand but I can live vicariously through others. I want to share smiles with strangers and joyful days. I also want to be able to feel other peoples pain and learn from their mistakes too. It seems so far, trying to do it all on my own I haven't accomplished much. So I guess what I want from this, what I want from blog traffic and posting the bs that happens day to day is connections. I haven't been able to feel emotions for very long and now that I can, I want to feel as many as I can. Let's do something about this.
Old Posts Pt. 5
December 7th, 2009.
A wave of safety and security.
Like I want to just keep listening to Johnny and June on repeat.
Like I can't get enough and my heart keeps racing.
Like my face is flushed and I'm breathing hard, but I'm in my room all alone.
Like you're in my head so much there's no room for anything else.
Like thinking of your smile brings warmth in my heart.
I've never before thought myself capable of this kind of craziness.
Tell me what you've done to me. Explain to me how you did it.
Teach me the in's and out's of these feelings.
Make promises to me and hold true to them.
Prove me to me this is real.
Show me.
Because I'm terrified.
It's like my breath was stolen away and I just want to be held.
It's like that moment when our eyes meet and the only thing I can see is you.
And when your hands are on my skin, good god I lose my mind.
What'd you do to me sir?
I can't make this kind of stuff up. And maybe its only temporary.
Maybe a month from now, when you go away for all that time, maybe it'll all fade away.
Maybe I'll just be a memory of someone who used to make you laugh.
Who knows honestly?
But I'm not scared. Not anymore.
I want this. I want your hands, your lips, your arms wrapped around me, your heart. I want it all.
I want you.
A wave of safety and security.
Like I want to just keep listening to Johnny and June on repeat.
Like I can't get enough and my heart keeps racing.
Like my face is flushed and I'm breathing hard, but I'm in my room all alone.
Like you're in my head so much there's no room for anything else.
Like thinking of your smile brings warmth in my heart.
I've never before thought myself capable of this kind of craziness.
Tell me what you've done to me. Explain to me how you did it.
Teach me the in's and out's of these feelings.
Make promises to me and hold true to them.
Prove me to me this is real.
Show me.
Because I'm terrified.
It's like my breath was stolen away and I just want to be held.
It's like that moment when our eyes meet and the only thing I can see is you.
And when your hands are on my skin, good god I lose my mind.
What'd you do to me sir?
I can't make this kind of stuff up. And maybe its only temporary.
Maybe a month from now, when you go away for all that time, maybe it'll all fade away.
Maybe I'll just be a memory of someone who used to make you laugh.
Who knows honestly?
But I'm not scared. Not anymore.
I want this. I want your hands, your lips, your arms wrapped around me, your heart. I want it all.
I want you.
Old Posts Pt. 4
November 26th, 2009.
1. You are nowhere near as intelligent as you try and act like you are. You're hurtful and immature and petty. I never should have given you the chance I gave you. You walked all over me. I figured it out at one point though and started using you too. The things you have blamed me for and the way you made me miserable haunt me. I think about the plans I had with you and it makes me sick. You were absolutely toxic. And a complete waste of my time. I didn't learn anything from our relationship. It's just made me angrier and more frigid. You're pathetic. I hope you realize what a waste of oxygen you are. Your mother should have swallowed.
2. You're a liar. You act like you are so saintly and like you have your life figured out. You're just like every other single man. You have one thing in mind and you'll do whatever it takes to get it. You disgust me. You're moving soon and I'm glad of that. I already don't talk to you as it but the further away you are the better. Grow up.
3. We had a good time together but you drink too much and you have a bad temper. I'm sorry I wasted your time.
4. I was serious when I said I wasn't playing second fiddle anymore. You better decide quick what is important to you because someday soon I'm cutting out the people that say one thing and do another. I'm not the friend you turn to when you need advice or to talk about something. This sounds stupid but I deserve a little damn attention. I haven't seen you in months and I know for a fact you've been hanging out with other people. This isn't fair to me and I'm tired of it.
5. I think you are fantastic. You are a beautiful person inside and out. It's times like these when I hate distance. Miles shouldn't have to keep two people from exploring something new. Think about it.
6. You've been around for the last half of a decade and it couldn't make me happier. We have a strange relationship but I think we've finally got it figured out. I adore you. And if things go wrong you better believe when I'm 23 I'm calling in some promises. :)
7. You've changed so much. You used to be so anti-everything. The things you used to say you hated are exactly what you are today. Remember the story you used to tell your close friends about your brother? About what happened? Why would you want to live a life that could put you in that situation again? It's not funny. It never was. Everything about it just seems so wrong. Where did my little goofy friend go? I want that friend back. Please?
8. We've recently begun testing the waters of friendship again. I've missed you. Hanging out with you that day was so much fun. I hope it wasn't a one time thing. I said I want to strengthen relationships but please don't make me do all the work. It worries me that you forget me so easily. We used to be so close. Can we get there again?
9. You sir, completely amaze me in every single way. I've never met someone who's matched what I wanted better than you. I mean come on, we even get the same thing from taco bell. I love you Penguin. (Edit: P.S, I'm sorry that it doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what it is I'm feeling or where my life is headed. I'm so sorry.)
10. You never deserved my love. I gave you a year of my life and you gave me nothing but heartache in return. I waited around like you asked. I followed through on all my promises. For what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You lead me on like a puppy on a stupid leash. Every time I'd start to go on my own way, you'd tug me right back in and I'd happily follow along until you got distracted again. You were never ready. You were always too scared. You didn't want to do the distance. Blah blah blah. Bullshit was all I started hearing. I'm done with you. Completely over you. Finally. Thank. God. I wasted enough time on you as it was.
11. I miss you. I messed up several years ago and we've never been able to get it back. Now you just won't let me in. Please, stop making wallowing in your misery and let someone help. Stop making yourself hurt. You are tearing this family apart and I'm not certain you see it. I love you. I always will. Even though you don't even recognize I exist anymore.
12. I will make you proud if its the last thing I do. I'm not going to give you a reason to pick on me anymore. I won't let you embarrass me anymore either.
13. Four more months and your power over me will cease. I'll have kept my silence so you can keep your reputation. I've forgiven you but don't you dare ever think I will forget. You owe me now. And you will owe me the rest of your life. I'm sure you've figured that out by now.
14. You are a new friend. We thought about a relationship but I think we've both come to realize that we are much better friends. I think you are great and you make me laugh when I'm in the worst of moods. I've come to depend on you a little so I hope you can make good on your promise. I'm going to go have a good lurk now. Be back in 3-5 hours.
I do this every now and then. Get things off my chest that I wouldn't say to a person in most situations. A lot of these are just because I can't say them because I no longer speak with the POI. Anyway, I'm going to number each one and say my piece. If you feel like trying to figure out if something is directed at you, just ask. I'll probably tell you.
1. You are nowhere near as intelligent as you try and act like you are. You're hurtful and immature and petty. I never should have given you the chance I gave you. You walked all over me. I figured it out at one point though and started using you too. The things you have blamed me for and the way you made me miserable haunt me. I think about the plans I had with you and it makes me sick. You were absolutely toxic. And a complete waste of my time. I didn't learn anything from our relationship. It's just made me angrier and more frigid. You're pathetic. I hope you realize what a waste of oxygen you are. Your mother should have swallowed.
2. You're a liar. You act like you are so saintly and like you have your life figured out. You're just like every other single man. You have one thing in mind and you'll do whatever it takes to get it. You disgust me. You're moving soon and I'm glad of that. I already don't talk to you as it but the further away you are the better. Grow up.
3. We had a good time together but you drink too much and you have a bad temper. I'm sorry I wasted your time.
4. I was serious when I said I wasn't playing second fiddle anymore. You better decide quick what is important to you because someday soon I'm cutting out the people that say one thing and do another. I'm not the friend you turn to when you need advice or to talk about something. This sounds stupid but I deserve a little damn attention. I haven't seen you in months and I know for a fact you've been hanging out with other people. This isn't fair to me and I'm tired of it.
5. I think you are fantastic. You are a beautiful person inside and out. It's times like these when I hate distance. Miles shouldn't have to keep two people from exploring something new. Think about it.
6. You've been around for the last half of a decade and it couldn't make me happier. We have a strange relationship but I think we've finally got it figured out. I adore you. And if things go wrong you better believe when I'm 23 I'm calling in some promises. :)
7. You've changed so much. You used to be so anti-everything. The things you used to say you hated are exactly what you are today. Remember the story you used to tell your close friends about your brother? About what happened? Why would you want to live a life that could put you in that situation again? It's not funny. It never was. Everything about it just seems so wrong. Where did my little goofy friend go? I want that friend back. Please?
8. We've recently begun testing the waters of friendship again. I've missed you. Hanging out with you that day was so much fun. I hope it wasn't a one time thing. I said I want to strengthen relationships but please don't make me do all the work. It worries me that you forget me so easily. We used to be so close. Can we get there again?
9. You sir, completely amaze me in every single way. I've never met someone who's matched what I wanted better than you. I mean come on, we even get the same thing from taco bell. I love you Penguin. (Edit: P.S, I'm sorry that it doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what it is I'm feeling or where my life is headed. I'm so sorry.)
10. You never deserved my love. I gave you a year of my life and you gave me nothing but heartache in return. I waited around like you asked. I followed through on all my promises. For what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You lead me on like a puppy on a stupid leash. Every time I'd start to go on my own way, you'd tug me right back in and I'd happily follow along until you got distracted again. You were never ready. You were always too scared. You didn't want to do the distance. Blah blah blah. Bullshit was all I started hearing. I'm done with you. Completely over you. Finally. Thank. God. I wasted enough time on you as it was.
11. I miss you. I messed up several years ago and we've never been able to get it back. Now you just won't let me in. Please, stop making wallowing in your misery and let someone help. Stop making yourself hurt. You are tearing this family apart and I'm not certain you see it. I love you. I always will. Even though you don't even recognize I exist anymore.
12. I will make you proud if its the last thing I do. I'm not going to give you a reason to pick on me anymore. I won't let you embarrass me anymore either.
13. Four more months and your power over me will cease. I'll have kept my silence so you can keep your reputation. I've forgiven you but don't you dare ever think I will forget. You owe me now. And you will owe me the rest of your life. I'm sure you've figured that out by now.
14. You are a new friend. We thought about a relationship but I think we've both come to realize that we are much better friends. I think you are great and you make me laugh when I'm in the worst of moods. I've come to depend on you a little so I hope you can make good on your promise. I'm going to go have a good lurk now. Be back in 3-5 hours.
I'm pretty sure that's all I needed to say. I feel better, I think. This may be edited some time in the future but until then, enjoy. :)
Old Posts Pt. 3
October 5th, 2009.
What do you see as important concepts that keep a relationship bonded together? My immediate response was communication, friendship, faith, teamwork, understanding, patience, and trust. I'm honestly a little amazed at my own response. I know nothing of love and marriage and stable relationships, I'm 17 and all I've seen growing up are shattered dreams and broken relationships. Where do we learn our ideals and values for love and marriage? This is the era of starter marriages and messy divorces. I personally don't agree with divorce, those vows are forever, but sometimes it has to be done. I'm afraid of relationships now because of what I see in the media and even in the town I live in. What has happened to happiness? I want to find that couple that has been together for fifty years and just talk with them. I want to ask them how they do it, what their secret is. I want proof that two people can start a life together and continue to grow as a couple for the rest of their lives. I want to know what that love feels like. But then, don't we all? Even looking outside romantic relationships, what has happened to trust and loyalty? I could count the number of people I talk to on a weekly basis on one hand. There are incidents that occur in two seconds that ruin friendships that I have had for years. Is it just pure selfishness that makes it so easy for people to walk away? I have finally learned balance in life, and it seems once I have there is chaos everywhere else.
Pardon me for my lack of focus. Here's another thought. What does one do when on paper a person is statistically perfect but there's just not as strong as connection? Especially when there's another far from perfect person involved and the feelings there just keep getting stronger. How am I supposed to know that I'm looking at the rest of my life right in the face? How does anyone ever know?
I want to feel all the rushing emotions of love. I have always dreamed of marrying my high school sweetheart but I have never been able to remain in a stable relationship long enough to have one of those. I have learned that the reason for that is no ones fault but mine. I want to experience a connection with someone so strong that I feel a pull on my heart every time they say my name. These things exist for people.
Don't they?
What do you see as important concepts that keep a relationship bonded together? My immediate response was communication, friendship, faith, teamwork, understanding, patience, and trust. I'm honestly a little amazed at my own response. I know nothing of love and marriage and stable relationships, I'm 17 and all I've seen growing up are shattered dreams and broken relationships. Where do we learn our ideals and values for love and marriage? This is the era of starter marriages and messy divorces. I personally don't agree with divorce, those vows are forever, but sometimes it has to be done. I'm afraid of relationships now because of what I see in the media and even in the town I live in. What has happened to happiness? I want to find that couple that has been together for fifty years and just talk with them. I want to ask them how they do it, what their secret is. I want proof that two people can start a life together and continue to grow as a couple for the rest of their lives. I want to know what that love feels like. But then, don't we all? Even looking outside romantic relationships, what has happened to trust and loyalty? I could count the number of people I talk to on a weekly basis on one hand. There are incidents that occur in two seconds that ruin friendships that I have had for years. Is it just pure selfishness that makes it so easy for people to walk away? I have finally learned balance in life, and it seems once I have there is chaos everywhere else.
Pardon me for my lack of focus. Here's another thought. What does one do when on paper a person is statistically perfect but there's just not as strong as connection? Especially when there's another far from perfect person involved and the feelings there just keep getting stronger. How am I supposed to know that I'm looking at the rest of my life right in the face? How does anyone ever know?
I want to feel all the rushing emotions of love. I have always dreamed of marrying my high school sweetheart but I have never been able to remain in a stable relationship long enough to have one of those. I have learned that the reason for that is no ones fault but mine. I want to experience a connection with someone so strong that I feel a pull on my heart every time they say my name. These things exist for people.
Don't they?
Old Posts Pt. 2
September 21st, 2009.
Life as I have ever known it has flipped itself around on me. I was drawn to church yesterday and it has changed everything. I've always been a Christian, always believed, always tried to preach to others a little but now I can say with pride that I've been saved. Life hasn't really been the easiest thing for me and my faith has been shaken many times. I've been dealing with anger and bad decisions for too long. I finally gave it all up.
My church does alter calls and I went up and got down on my knees and prayed. I think this time I'll have the strength to survive the world the way it is. And to be able to make a change. I've reclaimed my virginity, walked away from a lot of toxic relationships, and I've put my full faith in Jesus. Now I can't quote verses and I don't know all the songs we sing every Sunday but I know what I believe and I know that those beliefs will always guide me. I thought it would take a lot to break old habits but with Christ in my life it's like there's no problems at all.
Tomorrow I start a new program for school. It's work at your own pace and I should hopefully have my diploma in a few months. I can't say I know what I'm going to do with my life because I don't. I know I want to go to college for criminal justice and psychology and I want to be a police officer. I also know that my best friend and I are going to try and start a foundation that helps give girls a way to reach out. I was abused and I know the terror and uncertainty that comes with the decision to speak out about it. I know programs like this already exist but there are not enough local programs and I feel that I can put a good Christian spin on things. I want to see girls get right with God and get put on the right path as soon as possible. I spent too much time miserable because of the things I was holding back. No girl deserves that and I want to help make that happen.
This is my life now. I live for no one but Jesus. I'm going to get to know the Bible and life is going to be different. It already is.
Life as I have ever known it has flipped itself around on me. I was drawn to church yesterday and it has changed everything. I've always been a Christian, always believed, always tried to preach to others a little but now I can say with pride that I've been saved. Life hasn't really been the easiest thing for me and my faith has been shaken many times. I've been dealing with anger and bad decisions for too long. I finally gave it all up.
My church does alter calls and I went up and got down on my knees and prayed. I think this time I'll have the strength to survive the world the way it is. And to be able to make a change. I've reclaimed my virginity, walked away from a lot of toxic relationships, and I've put my full faith in Jesus. Now I can't quote verses and I don't know all the songs we sing every Sunday but I know what I believe and I know that those beliefs will always guide me. I thought it would take a lot to break old habits but with Christ in my life it's like there's no problems at all.
Tomorrow I start a new program for school. It's work at your own pace and I should hopefully have my diploma in a few months. I can't say I know what I'm going to do with my life because I don't. I know I want to go to college for criminal justice and psychology and I want to be a police officer. I also know that my best friend and I are going to try and start a foundation that helps give girls a way to reach out. I was abused and I know the terror and uncertainty that comes with the decision to speak out about it. I know programs like this already exist but there are not enough local programs and I feel that I can put a good Christian spin on things. I want to see girls get right with God and get put on the right path as soon as possible. I spent too much time miserable because of the things I was holding back. No girl deserves that and I want to help make that happen.
This is my life now. I live for no one but Jesus. I'm going to get to know the Bible and life is going to be different. It already is.
Old Posts Pt. 1
September 21st, 2009.
Its amazing. I look back at some of the messages I sent on Myspace from around 2006 when I got my Myspace and I’m honestly disgusted with myself and proud of myself at the same time. I’ve grown and changed so much since then. It has shaken me though because I’m not the only one that has changed. Friends I thought would never leave have come and gone. Relationships I said were true love, failed. Its wild to think about your past sometimes, even more so when you really get into it and you see the way you used to talk, the way you used to type, then you really get an idea of how greatly things have changed.
I’ve made a whole hell of a lot of mistakes in my life but I’ve learned from them. I’ve gotten up, grown up, and gone on with my life. That’s basically all you can do anymore. Life, I’ve come to realize, is less about living and more about surviving when your young. You do all you can just to get by, to get to the next stepping stone that will bring you closer to freedom.
Recently turning 17, I’ve come closer to that freedom and despite how much I wanted it when I was younger, I’m daunted. I thought I had it all figured out down to the last detail. I was going to go to law school, I was going to move out, blah de blah blah. Surprise surprise, that’s completely different now. I’m not too sure what I’m going to do with my life. It may involve the military, it may involve law school. I might go for criminal justice and behavioral science and try to work with the FBI. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve grown though and matured. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me but I’m also looking forward to the chance to explore life some more.
I want to travel and have children. I want to be married and reach our golden anniversary. I want to teach others and I want to be taught. I want to know I’ve done something with my life. It doesn’t have to be something big to the world, just something I know that I did. That will probably end up being my graduating from college with my degrees.
I’ve been thinking so much lately about all the people I’ve lost because of my decisions and I miss those people. I want those friendships back. I want to be a real person again instead of the attention seeking idiot I was for so long. My childhood was no fairytale but it wasn’t the worst out there either. I don’t have any excuse for my actions but I don’t regret them. Most of these people I’ve lost were very important to me and losing them is what I regret. I don’t regret the actions that caused that loss because in most cases it was a judgement made by them that ultimately pushed them away. I’m here to tell you right now, only God will judge me. That’s it.
Three and a half years worth of messages from people I never hear from anymore, relationships I’ve honestly forgotten about, people I’ve forgotten about to. I don’t want to be just another face in my senior yearbook. I want to be one of those people that at our 20 year reunion everyone is glad to see me. Everyone remembers me as someone great. I want a chance at that.
I have one year left to do things right and that’s my plan. I’m not playing games anymore and I won’t tolerate rumors and falsehoods. If you have an issue with my life, bring it up with me or don’t bring it up at all. It is my life and no one else’s to live and I will live it how I see fit. I expect this last year to not be about survival but about the connections I make with people, the things I accomplish. I have goals, needs, wants, and desires and I will do my best to make myself happy.
Life is already stressful enough, I don’t need someone who is uncomfortable with themselves making things harder. I don’t talk about people anymore, your name will not cross my lips because of a silly rumor. I don’t need other people trying to tell me I’m wrong. Your opinions no longer matter, I am my own person finally. I don’t need validation. I don’t need acceptance. I don’t need anyone to rely on. I have myself and I have God and that is enough. If you choose not to accept me for who I am, so be it. I don’t need you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is welcome change, embrace it. Change is acceptable, it’s a part of life. You can’t control it, it just takes you along for the ride. You cannot regret the decisions you’ve made either because you wouldn’t be the person you are now without those actions. Take a second and look back at whatever history you have on your computer or a diary, anything that you used for years and compare it to yourself now. Now choose if you would rather live the rest of your life acting like you did when you were 13 or would you want to grow with the world as each day passes? Don’t run in fear from it because it’s new and different. You’ll spend your whole life just surviving if you’re too terrified to live.
Its amazing. I look back at some of the messages I sent on Myspace from around 2006 when I got my Myspace and I’m honestly disgusted with myself and proud of myself at the same time. I’ve grown and changed so much since then. It has shaken me though because I’m not the only one that has changed. Friends I thought would never leave have come and gone. Relationships I said were true love, failed. Its wild to think about your past sometimes, even more so when you really get into it and you see the way you used to talk, the way you used to type, then you really get an idea of how greatly things have changed.
I’ve made a whole hell of a lot of mistakes in my life but I’ve learned from them. I’ve gotten up, grown up, and gone on with my life. That’s basically all you can do anymore. Life, I’ve come to realize, is less about living and more about surviving when your young. You do all you can just to get by, to get to the next stepping stone that will bring you closer to freedom.
Recently turning 17, I’ve come closer to that freedom and despite how much I wanted it when I was younger, I’m daunted. I thought I had it all figured out down to the last detail. I was going to go to law school, I was going to move out, blah de blah blah. Surprise surprise, that’s completely different now. I’m not too sure what I’m going to do with my life. It may involve the military, it may involve law school. I might go for criminal justice and behavioral science and try to work with the FBI. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve grown though and matured. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me but I’m also looking forward to the chance to explore life some more.
I want to travel and have children. I want to be married and reach our golden anniversary. I want to teach others and I want to be taught. I want to know I’ve done something with my life. It doesn’t have to be something big to the world, just something I know that I did. That will probably end up being my graduating from college with my degrees.
I’ve been thinking so much lately about all the people I’ve lost because of my decisions and I miss those people. I want those friendships back. I want to be a real person again instead of the attention seeking idiot I was for so long. My childhood was no fairytale but it wasn’t the worst out there either. I don’t have any excuse for my actions but I don’t regret them. Most of these people I’ve lost were very important to me and losing them is what I regret. I don’t regret the actions that caused that loss because in most cases it was a judgement made by them that ultimately pushed them away. I’m here to tell you right now, only God will judge me. That’s it.
Three and a half years worth of messages from people I never hear from anymore, relationships I’ve honestly forgotten about, people I’ve forgotten about to. I don’t want to be just another face in my senior yearbook. I want to be one of those people that at our 20 year reunion everyone is glad to see me. Everyone remembers me as someone great. I want a chance at that.
I have one year left to do things right and that’s my plan. I’m not playing games anymore and I won’t tolerate rumors and falsehoods. If you have an issue with my life, bring it up with me or don’t bring it up at all. It is my life and no one else’s to live and I will live it how I see fit. I expect this last year to not be about survival but about the connections I make with people, the things I accomplish. I have goals, needs, wants, and desires and I will do my best to make myself happy.
Life is already stressful enough, I don’t need someone who is uncomfortable with themselves making things harder. I don’t talk about people anymore, your name will not cross my lips because of a silly rumor. I don’t need other people trying to tell me I’m wrong. Your opinions no longer matter, I am my own person finally. I don’t need validation. I don’t need acceptance. I don’t need anyone to rely on. I have myself and I have God and that is enough. If you choose not to accept me for who I am, so be it. I don’t need you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is welcome change, embrace it. Change is acceptable, it’s a part of life. You can’t control it, it just takes you along for the ride. You cannot regret the decisions you’ve made either because you wouldn’t be the person you are now without those actions. Take a second and look back at whatever history you have on your computer or a diary, anything that you used for years and compare it to yourself now. Now choose if you would rather live the rest of your life acting like you did when you were 13 or would you want to grow with the world as each day passes? Don’t run in fear from it because it’s new and different. You’ll spend your whole life just surviving if you’re too terrified to live.
Starting off fresh in 2011.
I've thought about it for awhile now and I've decided it's time I start writing again. I'm doing this purely because I've noticed not writing, has become a little detrimental to me. I use writing as a way to take control of my life, the finished pieces becoming my own personal sounding boards. I haven't had that in a very long time and there seems to be a bit of chaos because of that. So, I'll try again. I'm going to attempt a few posts a week but with my work schedule who knows what will happen. Maybe someone will read what I write and take heed of my mistakes and move forward. I hope so. I make plenty of mistakes for people to learn from. This is just my journal. My way of furthering myself. It's simple. That's all I need.
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